Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Social Network Rules

Good evening dear reader(s)!

As I type this tonight from my underground bunker in a secret location, I am beginning to realize that despite my near perfect track-record of anticipating the next big thing, and my penchant for having vast amount of knowledge when it comes to the interwebs (which is indeed a series of tubes), I completely and totally misunderestimated the phenomenon that is this whole "Facebook" thing.  But since everything is better late than never (that is what I tell my creditors), I have decided to embrace this emerging technology and help spread the word because I am certain the majority of people have no idea what this is all about.  Also, I understand Google has decided to enter the fray.  Wait, what do you mean they already tried a social network site and it failed miserably?  Google can't fail.  They are Google,  Don't believe me?  Google it. 

That said, this second attempt looks like it might actually have legs, which is important as the legs will be needed to navigate the series of tubes.  (The legs accomplish this feat (not to be confused with feet) using packets, which scientists say are basically the packs of silica that prevent your shoes from molding before you buy them.)  Anyway, because of the popularity of sites such as Facebook, Twitter, Google's new thingy, and of course, the most cutting edge of them all...MySpace, I figured it was about time someone created rules to follow when on these sites.  Because nothing is more fun on the interwebs than a restriction of your freedom. 

And so it is with great joy, that I present to you infidels...Josh's Big Ol' List O' Social Network Rules!!!!!

1.  If you play a social network game such as Farmcity, Townfarm, Mafiafarm, and Farm Wars, please, for the love of all that is good in this world, don't let it post your accomplishments to your wall!!!!  This only annoys your virtual friends and makes you look pathetic as everyone can see that is all you do all day long.  (PS, quit posting about how hard it is to find a job when it is sandwiched between 50 straight hours of crop fertilization requests.)

"But Josh, who the hell do you think you are to tell me what I can and can't do?"

Well, I'm your friend.  Are we cross?  Why Ed, if I didn't think you were my friend, I just don't think I could bare it.

"But Josh, aren't you also pathetic?"

Yes, admittedly I am pathetic, however I only choose to let my friends know this in my blog-type-thing which they have a choice of whether or not to read.  I do not force them to wade through 500 million updates on their news feed for a single valuable post that explains how pathetic I am by listing my 50 solid hours of farming accomplishments.

2.  If you made fun of me in school, don't expect me to accept your friend request.  You are a douche, and I do not exist to help your "friend" numbers.

3.  Do not put any stock in your friend numbers.  Unless your name ends with Tequila, nobody gives a fuck. 

4.  If you do something of value, let us know.  Sure, it is easy to update your status by saying, "I fucking want to kill the asshole who just cut me off, license plate XXX-1234!"  (example only)  But if you just cured AIDS, I think your friends might rather know about that. 

5.  If all you do is re-post, you should check to make sure that you are capable of original thought.  Re-posting a funny thing every so often, or a quote that TRULY inspires you is one thing...but for the last fucking time, it is NOT Special Education Week, we know that cancer patients would rather be cured than get a new flat-screen and all your chain posts accomplish is making people like me want to murder special children with fucking chemo-therapy drugs!

(Deep breath.)

Okay, so that is all the rules the bulging vein in my forehead will allow me to type for now, but if you have any you would like to contribute, feel free to comment with them, find me on Facebook, Twitter, or lying in a gutter somewhere. 

Until next time dear reader(s), follow the Social Network Rules...or face the consequences.  (I don't know what those may be, but I'm pretty sure they exist.) 

1 comment:

  1. RT: 5.  If all you do is re-post, you should check to make sure that you are capable of original thought.  Re-posting a funny thing every so often, or a quote that TRULY inspires you is one thing... <-- what he said.
    Love, Tequila