Sunday, July 3, 2011

My Nemesiseses

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

Today I make my most triumphant return black to the blog-type-thingoshpere from the comfort of my father's dining room, where he has chosen to locate his computer, despite the fact that it is a horrible location for watching porn.  I am blogging from this location because I am at my dad's house today, and there is no way in hell I am going to go outside right now.  I have no Zyrtec.

For those of you who do not know what Zyrtec is, fuck you.  That's right, I said fuck you.  "But Josh, that is not fair of you to say fuck me just because I don't know what Zyrtec is.  Why would you do such a thing?"  Well, asshole, you're right.  It would be unfair of me to say fuck you just because you don't know what Zyrtec is.  In fact, I am not saying fuck you because you do not know what Zyrtec is.  I am saying fuck you because you obviously do not have the NEED to know what Zyrtec is.  Zyrtec is a semi-less-drowsey than Benadryl allergy medication that keeps me from wanting to rip my skin off and put it into your gourmet food as vengeance for being able to stand having skin.  You see, this year, because of the unusually wet Spring, my number one enemy (cottonwoods) have been releasing more fluff, and for a more extended period of time than in most years past.  The lack of a month-long cottonwood assault was the one solace I took in moving from my beloved Seattle back to po-dunk Reno.  This year has taken even that away from me.  My face is one giant hive.  My nose is so congested it makes West-bound rush-hour traffic on the 520 seem free-flowing.  (That is a Seattle area joke.  For you Reno people, think of the construction on 395 South to the spaghetti bowl, times 500,000 with more Lexus SUVs full of idiotic yuppies on their cellphones blasting the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack out their windows as you sit at a standstill right beside them.  I miss Seattle, not Bellevue or Redmond commuters, FYI.)  Anyway, long story still rather long, but now coming to an end:  I am stuffed up and itchy and miserable, and cottonwoods are to blame.  Add to that the fact that my skin is not only itchy and inflamed, but would instantly catch fire in this 97 degree heat, and I think blog-type-thinging from the air conditioned inside is the way to go. 

Later on, I have to walk outside onto the patio (or flat-top grill for humans as food), and barbeque some chicken and corn on the cob.  As lovely as this deliciousness sounds, I am not looking forward to it.  Hey, you know what makes 97 degrees even hotter?  How about standing over a 350 degree grill?  And enjoy this as the cotttonwood fluff continues the air campaign against your forces of freedom and barbeque.

Which can mean only one thing:  Cottonwoods are terrorists.  They are affiliated with Al Qaeda.  They hate our freedom and are attacking innocent civilians!  And on the Fourth of July weekend no less!  A three day weekend that is my first actual rest since starting the new job and moving!

Well, we will not take this threat lying down.  We will fight these terrorists wherever we find them, and bring them to justice.  Join me today, in the eradication of our enemies.  Fight this threat for the innocents (me) who have been lost (unable to spend extended periods outside).

Well, it is time to get the grill ready, if I am not back in 10 minutes, go on without me.  

Until next time my dear reader(s), I recommend you be vigilant.  Report cottonwoods.  Contact your local arbor day foundation and tell them that if in planting trees they include cottonwoods, that they are giving material support to terrorists.  Start petitions in your community banning these enemies of freedom.  And have a happy fourth of July.  Remember to thank all of those people who have done so much to fight to preserve our freedom.  People such as the makers of Zyrtec, Zyrtec D, Benadryl, Claritin (even though it is only mildly effective, it does not make it any less noble or brave for taking up this fight), and the developers of future, more powerful allergy medications who's side-effects don't involve lymphoma and anal hemorrhaging.

God Bless pharmaceutical companies, and God Bless America!  

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