Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Good afternoon dear reader(s)!


Today the mystery ingredients in your basket are: 

Bagels, Cream Cheese, Energy Drinks, Powerade, and Bloody Noses.  You must try to weave these ingredients into a cohesive blog-type-thing using these mystery ingredients that will delight the reader(s) so you can avoid being chopped.  You also have access to our pantry and fridge.  There are 20 minutes on the clock, and time starts...NOW. 


As you may or may not be able to tell, I have spent a lot of time watching Food Network lately.  This is because my brain has been fried (or grilled, depending on the kitchen setup) by all of the garbage that has taken place since I moved.  The garbage to which I refer is basically the laundry situation.  After squeezing the washer and dryer through the tiny door down the stairs into the basement, and hooking up the dryer lint vent to the lint exhaust tube (which went surprisingly easy), and feeling all accomplished because we were able to get them down there and positioned to be able to wash and dry clothes, and having the 220 box for the dryer that was just hanging by the conduit secured to the wall, and hooking up the cold water intake to the faucet on the laundry sink, and making my own clamp to hold the drain hose over the side, I was thinking I was ready to wash and dry clothes. 


Only, it turns out that the 220 on the house was the older 3-prong type and the cord from the dryer is the newer 4-prong style.  This is only the case because when I brought my older dryer into my former rented luxury condo, it had the newer 4-prong outlet and I had the older 3-prong cord.  So I took a giant risk of shocking myself and changed it.  And it worked.  And I was scared to use it for the first 5 weeks, but, apparently I did it right.  So I threw away the older 3 prong cord thinking I would not need to use it again in the lifetime of the dryer.  Oops.  So now I need a new 3-prong cord again, and probably the old grounding strap because I'm sure I didn't keep that. 


Okay, so that is still no big deal, if I didn't kill myself once, I am sure I could do it again without killing myself.  But that isn't the real problem.  It is summer, and I have a backyard, and I could hang the clothes out to dry in order to save energy, money, and the planet until it gets too cold.  (Or, more likely, it allows me to put off changing the cord again, because I am lazy.)  The real problem was the first time I tried to run the washer.  In addition to leaks in the pipes to the sink once the water is turned on, I just left the Hot Water Intake hose hanging off the back of the dryer.  No big deal, I'm not using hot water, there is nothing to hook it to, and it is an intake, right?  Well, some of you may know this,  As soon as I turned on the washer, all the cold water that came in from the cold water intake promptly ran right out of the hot water intake onto the floor.  So I go online, learn that this happens, learn that I can go to Lowe's and pick up a hose cap, take off the hose, cap the intake at the back of the washer, and all should be good.  Cool.  So I cap it, use some Teflon tape on the thread, seal it up nice and tight, and I should be good, right?


Well, my first load of laundry hits the drain cycle.  My clamp is ingenious.  The hose does not move.  The intake cap is sealed tightly, and does not leak.  The water drains into the sink.  The sink that does not drain.  At all.  I have my lint bag over my hose, so it isn't because of me.  So after using buckets to drain the sink, dumping the water in the backyard (EPA violation?), and almost passing out running up and down the stairs to prevent the entire basement from flooding, I have my first load of wash done.  I have rigged a piece of co-ax. as a clothesline, bought my 98 cent pack of clothespins and now I can dry them.  One actual load of laundry done, and only a ton of work done to do it. But unless I want to bucket brigade each time, I can't really run a load of wash again. 


So I pour an entire bottle of liquid Plummer down the drain.  Nothing.  I buy a drain snake.  Does nothing.  Meanwhile, the leaky water pipes to the faucet have started leaking more.  I go to Lowe's yesterday and buy a P-trap.  I remove the old one, and check it.  It is not clogged.  The clog must be on the other side of it.  I decide to replace it anyway, but when I try to put on the new one, I realize it does not have threads on both sides, just on one.  The old one has both sides threaded.  Well, while it is off, I try to run the snake on the other side of the P-trap.  It does nothing.  I put the old P-trap on, add Teflon tape, tighten it down, and in the process almost take the entire sink down with me.  It is supported by 3 wooden legs, one of which is rotting because the water leaking from the pipe to the faucet runs down it.  I test the drain, it still does not work.


Long story still long, but slightly less so, the landlord is dragging her feet taking care of this, I have tried myself to take care of it but have so-far failed miserably, and I FUCKING hate going to the laundromat!  So when I get home from Duds n Suds at 9:00 every night, after spending 2 hours after I get home from work trying to fix the issues, after being at work for 9 hours plus another hour for the commute, all I have energy for is watching the Food Network.  How exciting is my life?


Which brings me to my mystery ingredients.  After actually doing my job for 3 weeks, I was made to begin a mandatory new-hire training class which would have made sense had I not started the job 3 weeks before the training began.  So now for the past 3 weeks I have been taking a class that I need energy drinks by the case in order to stay awake.  During these training classes, (which are by conference call), I eat breakfast which I like to be 2 bagels from Smith's each morning with cream cheese.  Then, for later in the day, so I can sleep, I drink a Powerade Zero because it has no caffeine, quenches my thirst, and is cheap.  And finally, for the past 2 months I have been under relentless attack from cottonwoods which has caused severe nosebleeds on a daily basis.  There, everything on the plate.  I rocked that bitch!  Chopped Champion, motherfuckers!  Take that, Ted! 


So until next time dear reader(s), remember that while you have made it through the appetizer round, there are still two rounds left to go and it only gets more difficult from here.  So who will be the next food network star?  Are you grillin' and chillin'?  Are you ready for a throwdown?  More importantly, are you ready for Laundry Impossible?  Seriously, help! 

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