Friday, May 20, 2011

A Failure's Guide To Cheap Living

Good morning dear reader(s)!

As I type this post-type-thing, I have less money in my bank account than what I know is required in order to pay my rent.  I have payment arrangements with the power company, am late on my phone bill, & owe about 7.5 million dollars to Renown (I figure anyway, with the interest charges).  Yet am I worried?  Yes, yes I am.  But that is beside the point.  

This post-type-thing is all about the things you can do to save money & still live a fun life.  It assumes that unlike my situation, you take in just above the amount of money than what you need to survive.  I take in far less, so just believe that I know what I am talking about from experience during those 3 days of my life when my income did slightly exceed the amount necessary for basic survival.  

So without further French words, here are money saving tips designed to maximize your fun dollar.

1.  Pre-party.  Drinks at bars are expensive.  We're talking one to two ounces of liquor and some mixers for $4 to $5.  But did you know that you can save by buying in bulk?  It's true.  You can get a bottle of liquor that holds 25 ounces for just the equivalent of 3 drinks.  That's a shit-load more drunkness for the money.  Just buy the bottle, take it home, drink up, & stumble or take public transportation to the event you are planning on attending.  If your buzz fades, one drink at the bar to maintain is much cheaper than buying enough to get it started and maintain.  You are fucked up, & have enough cash in your pocket to buy shitty food afterwards.  Everybody wins.

2.  Skip the bar all together.  If you aren't single, & looking to hook up, & there isn't a cool band playing, & you aren't going stir crazy at home, why go to the bar at all?  Invite some friends over for Yahtzee.  It is fun if you are drunk & highly competitive, & if you all are real dorks, perhaps it could even lead to a fight!

3.  For extra savings, play drunken Yahtzee by candle light.  You will have more money for fun if you give less to the evil power company.  It will also help create a romantic mood as your friends are projectile vomitting while trying to scream, "Yahtzee!"

4.  If you are going out, walk.  Gas is very expensive (or for Reno natives, HELLA expensive) & DUI expenses are even more so.  Plus there is that whole "risk of getting killed or killing some innocent person" thing.  Walking not only saves you money on gas and court fees, it also saves money on carpet cleaning by allowing you the opportunity to puke on a sidewalk rather than your living room floor on the way to the bathroom.  Also, walking has been shown to be effective exercise and may help counteract the huge amount of calories you took in with 7&7s and Jimboys, ultimately saving you money on hospital bills you would have paid to take care of your obesity related complications.  You'll need to save the hospital money for your coming liver problems anyway.

5.  Need energy to keep the party going?  Try an energy drink instead of meth.  Rockstar has been shown to be just as effective as meth, yet much less expensive unless you get your meth for free by blowing your dealer and/or manufacturer.  Rockstar also has far less instances of side effects such as tooth loss and instant aging, so down the line, should you ever care about your appearance again, you will save money on dental services, plastic/reconstructive surgery, etc...

6.  Read my blog-type-thing and tell all your friends about it.  Since I do not charge my dear reader(s) anything to read my post-type-things, this super low cost option to impress your friends, be the life of the party, and appear knowledgeable on a vast array of subjects is perhaps the single best entertainment value available in my dreams.  It also cures cancer.

So until next time, incorporate the ideas above to help maximaize your fun dollar.  If they don't work, your fun dollar most likely isn't very fun & should be given to me for re-education.  Just send your dollars to me, & I promise I will reform them and use them in a fun way. 

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