Friday, May 13, 2011

Dream Jobs for Failures

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

Despite what I have said during interviews, let's face it, my dream job is not to work in a call center as a Customer Service Representative, behind a counter making crappy coffee for idiot yuppies at a Starbucks, calling frat-boys and sorority twits to see if they really do want to volunteer or were just signing up because their house's charter requires some charity involvement and they really didn't realize they'd actually have to do something, or try to get someone to buy something they don't really want and probably can't afford anyway.

So what is my dream job?  What would I do for a living if I had the chance to do it?  Would I realize that there are negatives even to those jobs?  Well, I am glad I asked myself, because I am about to list my dream jobs, or at least jobs that I think I could tolerate, despite the down side to each job.  So here is my list of dream jobs, so you can steal them out from under me.

Drummer/percussionist  This is a no-brainer.  I like playing drums.  I am pretty good at it.  I love music.  I do not get stage fright (especially when there is a drum set between me and the audience), I crave attention.  It keeps me from getting too fat.  There is usually some drinking going on, even if not by me.  People are having a good time, unless we suck, in which case I am still having a good time, and fuck those people if they don't like us, they don't understand real innovation anyway.  My biggest problem with this one is actually that as of right now, I have no drum set, and when I do, it is hard to find someone who's dream job is to play guitar, or sing, or play bass that also has rehearsal space and isn't already involved in 15 other bands.  Or if I do find someone like that, they are too strung out to show up.

Writer  If you haven't noticed, I really do enjoy writing.  I am okay at it, but I wouldn't say good.  I know the difference between they're, there, and their, and am learning the difference between your and you're.  Just kidding, nobody knows that.  Just kidding again.  Or am I?  Anyway, writing this blog-type-thing over the past few months has allowed me to vent my feelings and frustrations in a way that is not only personally fulfilling, but good for society as it prevents me from mowing people down inside of a shopping mall or someplace similar. 

Singer  I did say dream jobs.  The problem with this one, is that I can't sing.  I do a decent karaoke version of Million Dollars by Barenaked Ladies, but that is about my entire vocal ability.  Still, I would love to just stand up on a stage somewhere and belt out original music mixed in with such awesome classics as "Africa" and "Carry On My Wayward Son".  If I remember correctly, one of the local strip-clubs used to have shower dances.  I never went, but if this means that they have showers on the stage, I think this could be converted into the perfect venue for someone with my talent and dream.

Radio DJ  I like to talk a lot.  I m opinionated but can pretend to like stuff a lot too.  I think that is probably 90% of a DJ's job.  "And now here's this great new song from Pepper that in no way sounds like every song that was ever put out by Sublime, a band that was really only popular because they wrote songs about weed."   I do not know this for sure, having never been a DJ, but I bet they can't stand half the crap they have to play and sound enthusiastic about.  Not to mention the personal appearance aspect of the job.  I follow a couple local DJs on Twitter, and they are always tweeting about such and such night at some bar that is a sponsor of the shows on the radio station and I think, "That would be so much fun!  If I was in the mood that particular night.  And it wasn't the 16th week in a row I had to be there.  And I wasn't feeling like crap that night.  And there wasn't anything happening in my personal life that I would rather be doing at the time.  And I wasn't being harassed by idiots who feel like they know me because they hear my voice on the radio and follow me on Twitter all night.  Nope, never mind, that would suck!"  Still though, I would imagine you get to hear stuff before it gets too completely played-out, you probably get a decent amount of free stuff, and apparently you get the hook-up on being able to see without glasses or contacts.  I could live with that.  As long as I didn't work for a local station that does not get the hook-up on vision, and has to promote Rob, Arnie, and Dawn.  I would rather lead pirates in Somalia then contribute in any way to Rob, Arnie, and Dawn's continued plague upon humanity.

Touristy Craft-Shop Proprietor, Cannon Beach, OR  I would have a beach house attached to my shop that would sell crafts that I would make on my scroll-saw and other things out of nets and shells, and various souvenir t-shirts, post cards, and other overpriced crap that the tourists could take home to places like Reno to remind them once that they were in some place beautiful just before they put the barrel of the gun in their mouth in the parking lot of Sierra Sids on Christmas after they lost all of their gift money to the video poker machine and the hooker. 

City Manager, Reno, Nevada  There would be absolutely nothing wrong with this job.  Get paid a huge amount of money to sit and do nothing but watch the town continue to die. 

Record Producer  I think I have a good ear for what the idiot music buying public will consider to be good, and I think I could do a good job of getting musicians to let go of any integrity they might have once had in order to make more money for everyone involved.  "I think we need a little more keyboards in the mix here."  "Could a 12 year-old girl sing this part 14 times and still love it?"  See, I'm a natural.   

Peace Officer (Corrupt)  I could easily look the other way while that transaction is made provided my cut is sufficient and it isn't in my neighborhood.  But if you run that red light, boy, you're gonna get a nightstick across your head. 

Actor  I like to pretend I am more interesting than I am.  Why not get paid for it?  

Well my dear reader(s), until next time, start thinking about what you would be doing if you had the chance, and then go out and make it happen.  Quit your lousy job and go for your dream!  And while you are living on the street, having failed to make it, I might just give you the last 20 cents from my paycheck at one of the crapy jobs I was smart enough to keep, and tell you to be proud for daring to dream! 


  1. I wanna be a ballerina!!


    Next life, maybe.

  2. you're an amazing drummer and writer!

  3. Sasha actually snorted with laughter while reading this. :)
    She'll never hear the end of it.