Thursday, May 19, 2011

And I Feel Fine

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

I hope you are ready, because according to some, the day of Judgement is this Saturday!  I have been waiting for this day for so long, that I really can't begin to describe my excitement.  I am really hoping that these people are right, because if the world as we know it is really about to end, then there will be so much less that really pisses me off and perhaps I can finally be at peace.  There is no thought more soothing to me than knowing that the bible thumpers will be up in Heaven with God, where I no longer have to hear them judge everyone anymore.  It will be like Heaven on Earth.  Ooh baby, do you know what that's worth? 

This Friday night is Marianarchy.  If the world is going to end on Saturday, I can think of no greater way to spend the night before.  Okay, scratch that...I can think of no greater way to spend the night before that would not be really horrible in case the world does NOT end on Saturday.  Well, okay, no better way to spend the night before the end of the world in public, in case the world does not end on Saturday.  At any rate, what I am trying to say here, is that I am looking forward to it and it should be fun. 

So because I think this whole Rapture thing is a crock of shit, not just because I don't believe the guy who says he figured it out from calculations he made by reading the bible, but also because I don't believe in the vast majority of things I have read in the bible, I pose this question to my dear reader(s):  If you knew the world was going to end on Saturday for real, what would you do between now and then?

How could I ask you that question without answering it myself?  Well, it's my blog-type-thing, and I'll ask you questions I won't answer if I want to, ask you questions I won't answer if I want to, aaaaask you questions I won't answer if I want to.  You would ask questions you won't answer too if it happened to you.  No, just kidding, here is what I would do if I knew factually that the world was going to end this Saturday. 

Thursday:  Freak out.  Spend like an hour rocking back and forth, maybe crying like a little girl.  Go through all the stages of grieving.  I figure I would reach acceptance by Thursday night. 

Thursday night:  Provided my Hannah was willing, I would have sex until I could no longer stand, and then I would have sex some more.  I figure this would take about 3 minutes.  Just kidding, I have more stamina then that.  We'll make it 5 minutes. 

Thursday night, 5 minutes later:  I would nap for an hour or so. 

Thursday night, 1 hour later:  I would go and rob a convenience store.  I would do so in the least violent way possible, as I do not want to scare the poor clerk who has to work in the convenience store 2 days before the world is going to end.  I might share my knowledge and proof of the coming rapture with said clerk in order to persuade the clerk to gift me half of the money and alcohol in the store.  I'd take cigarettes too.  I don't smoke, but the world is going to end, and I bet people who do smoke would do some seriously messed up shit for cigarettes if they knew it might be their last one.  I would then start thinking of ways to exploit that. 

Thursday night, another hour later:  I'd probably be fairly drunk by this point, because I am kind of a lightweight.  I would use some of the cash haul from the convenience store to call a cab to take me to various bars where I will try and get skanky girls to do skanky things for cigarettes.  I am not into skanky girls, but that doesn't mean watching some sick, nasty type stuff done for cigarettes wouldn't be fun.  I love my Hannah, but I bet if the world was going to end, even she could enjoy that.   

Thursday night into Friday morning:  I would probably have thrown up by now.  And would be announcing to God that he could go ahead and end the world if it would make me feel better.  Then I would remember that the world IS going to end, and try and summon myself for...

Round 2:  Friday, early, early am:  I would go pick a fight with someone I know could beat me, but I would try hard as hell to beat the piss out of him or her anyway.  I don't ordinarily believe in hitting girls, but the world is going to end, so why not?  They'd most likely win anyway, and I will have fun memories provided I don't take too many headshots.  Memories that will last me a lifetime, of about a day. 

Friday, early am, but with the sun up:  I would go to the Gold 'N Silver and get an omelet with cheese, mushrooms, ham, tomato and avocado.  I would then go to Save Mart and get champagne and OJ for mimosas. 

Friday late morning:  I would go up to Tahoe and go skydiving.  They have skydiving up there.  Sounds totally terrifying unless you have no fear of death. 

Friday afternoon:  After returning home, I would play music as loud as I possibly could. 

Friday evening:  After robbing a convenience store, skydiving, having sex until I couldn't stand for record time, watching skanks do sick stuff for cigarettes, getting in a fight, skydiving, and playing really loud music, I would probably sit around for a while getting into an "I don't know, what to YOU want to do?" argument with myself.  Then I would remember that Marianarchy is going on and head on over there.  

Late Friday night:  I might try and convince Hannah to let me have sex with her again, until that moment at 12:00 Saturday morning when the world is going to end.  Wait, it's not supposed to end at midnight?  Oh hell, what do I want to do now?!?!  I don't know, what do YOU want to do? 

So until next time dear reader(s), better figure out what you're going to do in case the world as we know it ends on Saturday.  Coming out to Marianarchy starting on Friday evening sounds like a good start.  I promise I won't try to manipulate you or any of your friends into doing stuff for cigarettes, unless you want me to, in which case don't get angry if it ends up online for people to pay me $19.95 a month to view it.  After the world doesn't end on Saturday, Marianarchy will be happening then too.  You should go, or the world might end.

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like an awesome plan. don't forget to take some hookers to the desert! Hahaha