Thursday, April 28, 2011

Royal Pain in the Media

Good morning dear reader(s)!

As you may know, mom, I do not particularly think that the "news media" in this "country" is doing "a" good "job" of reporting what "is" actually news"."  This point was driven home to me this morning when I turned on the TV and was greeted with lovely stories about the royal wedding.  What royal wedding?  Do we have royalty in this country?  Now, I am not trying to suggest that international news is not just as important as is domestic news, I am just trying to say that nobody should give a shit what Kate fucking Middleton is wearing as long as people who want a job with a good wage can't find one, wars are being fought that will ultimately change absolutely nothing except our debt ceiling and the amount of people in the theater of battle who are still alive, politicians are saying one thing while doing another, public budgets are being cut all over this country as if no revenue whatsoever is coming in, Monsanto is suing farmers because their neighbors' crops are blowing over and cross-pollinating, and yo momma's so ugly they filmed "Gorillas In The Mist" in her shower. 

I just think that it is time to stop calling the people who report these stories journalists and start calling them people who can get stay at home mommies to keep watching the television long enough to get to the commercials for anti-bacterial cleaning products that the advertisers target to them.  It disgusts me. 

My blog-type-thing does a better job at reporting actual news, analyzing it, offering up differing opinions and perspectives based on which of my head-voices has control at the time, and serving it up more efficiently than any of the established "news" outlets do.  Not to say that my blog-type-thing should be anyone's source of news, but neither should cable news, network news, news papers, or any other major source with the exception of perhaps The Daily Show.  I bet Jon Stewart would be rolling over in his grave if he knew that his comedy show does a better job at being a real source for news than the people who claim to be a real source for news, and also, you know, if he were dead. 

So at last count at least 215 people died in the last 24 hours due to severe storms that swept across the South.  This is very sad and I feel bad for all of those people and the families affected.  Unless they think it was caused by global warming, in which case it may be a good thing they are gone.  Sound harsh?  Sorry, but we have enough stupid people occupying this Earth, we can stand to lose some.  Now before you hippie liberal types go and get all high and decide to sit on the couch watching Teletubbies in protest of what I just said, let me assure you that I do believe that global warming is a serious issue, that we are the cause of it, and that we really should do whatever we can to break our addiction to fossil fuels before we wipe out too many species of life on this planet that our food eats before we have nothing left to eat ourselves.  Plus the polar bear being separated from the polar bear cub as the ice breaks apart and floats away cartoon makes me sad, and I don't need to see that shit to believe in the science, okay Al fucking Gore?  (Successful blog-type-thing tip:  If you want to show anger at a particular individual, insert "fucking" between said individual's first and last name.)  Anyway, I do believe that global warming sucks, and that we need to do something about it.  What I do not believe (as opposed to a lot of the so-called "experts" who have commented on the 15 seconds worth of news story about the tornadoes after the 15 hours of royal wedding coverage seem to think) is that this is an example of the extreme storms caused by global warming.  But Josh, this many people haven't died in a single 24 hour period of storms in the US since 1974.  How could it not be global warming?  Well, because this many people haven't died in a single 24 hour period of storms in the US since 1974.  That's why.  In case you don't get it, read that last part again until you do.  I'll wait. 

A few years ago, everybody was freaking out because a large chunk of the population of bees were dying off.  Bees are necessary for a lot of pollination, pollination is necessary for many plants to survive, plants are necessary for cows to eat, cows are necessary for your McDonalds.  So you can see where this might be cause for alarm.  What nobody really bothered to mention though, is that the bees that were dying were primarily in commercial bee hives.  The bees left in the wild were faring much better.  Now, this is still a scary thought as there aren't very many bees left that have not been gathered into commercial hives, but leaving that little fact out changes the perception.  What's killing the bees?  What have we done?  Have we come too far?  How can we use this story to get a grant and pay ourselves to study the effects of cell-phone radiation on bees by bombarding them with it in confined spaces at levels they would only experience directly underneath a tower?  How can we keep the heat off of the huge commercial bee farms that keep hives from leaving when distressed as they would do in the wild?  How can we keep the heat off of the commercial bee farmers that manipulate the bees in order to get them to produce more honey than they usually would?  Well, we could use our friends in the news media to create mass panic.  Strange cases of commercial bee colonies suddenly dying have have been reported as far back as 1869.  Once Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) was made a popular term in 2006, many beekeepers who had lost hives started reporting the losses as such, even when there was an obvious known cause of death such as mites or other issues frequent in beekeeping.  According to a study in 2010, all CCD cases had both a virus present in the colonies as well as a fungus.  Many environmentalists, trying to add to the panic for their own purposes also included numbers of bee colonies lost due to beekeeper retirement in the figures for bee population decline.  Why am I going on a rant about bees?  Well, I don't like it when bees sting me.  It hurts.  That and the fact that people are easily manipulated when those who claim to report the news do not investigate, and take "experts" words at face value.  It is even worse when those reading or watching the news do not question the evil that they see or hear.  So it is your fault.  I blame you.  Question things.  Question my blog-type-thing.  Ask yourself, what is the ratio of truth to lies here?  Can I tell what is true and what is not?  Just don't ask me, because I don't know what words like "ratio" and "truth" mean. 

As I have said, my blog-type-thing should be nobody's source for news and/or information.  Or entertainment.  Or humor.  Or really anything of value.  That being said, it is a good waste of time and I do appreciate it when you read it.  Thanks mom. 

Well my dear reader(s), I am off to go gather facts on a hard-hitting story I plan to finish this week regarding hitting things hard.  I am not sure my lack of editor will publish it though, because it could have serious consequences for whatever gets hit hard. 

Until next time, question everything.  Even questions.  It is never annoying at all.  (Example:  How are you today?  Why do you want to know?  Why did you ask me that?  Why wouldn't I ask you that?  Why are you answering every question I ask with a question?  Josh told me to.  Damn!)