Sunday, April 3, 2011

Helpful Guide to Online Social Skills

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!  

Because Reno just generally sucks as a place to meet people as the citizens of this town are either too busy being strung out, too poor to go out, too busy cow tipping, too busy cooking meth, too busy being incestual, too busy pickup truck shopping, too busy wishing the South had won the Civil War, too busy secretly donating to the Westboro Baptist Cult, too busy watching their VHS Best of Jerry Springer collection, too busy reliving memories of their appearance on Jerry Springer, or just too scared to meet any people here because most others are doing any of the forementioned activities; I have decided to attempt to do most of my socializing on the series of tubes known as the interwebs.  Since I have been extremely successful in this realm, I thought I would, as a service to my dear reader(s), provide this helpful guide to socializing online so you too can have up to 5 online friends, 1 regular reader of your blog-type-thing who also happens to be your mom, and thousands of networking hours put into making it all come together.

So how do I get to the highest level of success like you have achieved?, you may be asking.  Well, my first tip to you is that you should start a blog-type-thing.  Also known as a web-log-type-thing, an online journal, a venting portal for psychos, or an even geekier version of Doogie Howser's computer diary with a graphical user interface as opposed to a blue DOS type screen.  To make sure you experience the same readership that I achieve, I recommend writing about something nobody cares about (I chose Reno, NV), stray from the topic so you alienate anyone who did want to read about your topic (you can achieve this by writing How-To Guides), show a negative outlook because people always love to feel bad, use a lot of run-on sentences pretending as though commas, will, help, to make your posts more readable, edit your posts as little as possible (I do this by writing all my posts on my phone, so as not to have my mistakes appear on the same screen as the current line I am typing, as well as avoiding the temptation to use spell-check), and just generally go out of your way to make sure anyone who does stumble onto your blog-type-thing doesn't want to come back.  I am sure if you follow my examples, you will have a successful blog-type-thing generating the same level of readership numbers as yours truly.  

Establish a Twitter account.  Don't bother to watch the tutorials or learn about features to make it more fun and interesting, just tweet.  The more random and self-important the thoughts are, the better.  Tweeting jokes you find to be amusing but know aren't truly funny is my most favorite tactic.  Make sure never to respond to anyone's messages should someone actually want to initiate some sort of interaction, as this puts added pressure on you to be thoughtful/fresh/amusing or any other positive quality that, (if you're like me) you know you aren't.  Also, a little public self loathing never hurt.  Just make sure not to cross the line into self-deprecating humor, as this may grant you undersired attention.  
The ace in the hole.  Facebook.  That's right, the granddaddy of them all.  The resistance piece.  If you are not on Facebook, then Mr. Zuckerberg probably isn't too happy with you and is planning on eliminating you once and for all, so even if you are not looking to socialize online, you may just want to break down and estabilsh that account.  Once you have, wait for your old friends to find you, do not try & friend them.  Then through their friends your network may grow into the triple digits, 4 of whom you may actually communicate with on Facebook, and 1 of which you may actually hang out with more than once every two years.  Make sure you constantly start flame-wars on their statuses by thinking of the most controversial, debating-starting comments you can leave.  My personal favorite is to link any status with a stance on abortion.  Here is an example:

Friend's status:  So happy that I got to see my BFF Tiffany today!  What fun!  
My comment:  I am happy for you too!  And Tiffany.  Good thing this is possible because neither of your moms aborted you!  

This is guaranteed to start a fun, lively debate that just may end up with some of your friends deleting you.  This is not bad though, because now you know who your true friends really are.  (Those that didn't see the comment.)  The best part is that you can use this regardless of your stance on abortion.  I like to change mine, sometimes within the same comment thread!  Nothing is more fun online than a good old fashioned debate on abortion!  Everybody wins!  

Well my dear reader(s), I hope I have helped you become a master of online socializing such as myself.  If you are feeling bold, you may want to incorporate these tactics into your offline life as well.  Then you could have two friends and friends of your significant other just like me!  

Until next time, remember that not everybody has to like you, but if you build enough sites they may all have to filter you someday!  

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