Thursday, April 28, 2011

Royal Pain in the Media

Good morning dear reader(s)!

As you may know, mom, I do not particularly think that the "news media" in this "country" is doing "a" good "job" of reporting what "is" actually news"."  This point was driven home to me this morning when I turned on the TV and was greeted with lovely stories about the royal wedding.  What royal wedding?  Do we have royalty in this country?  Now, I am not trying to suggest that international news is not just as important as is domestic news, I am just trying to say that nobody should give a shit what Kate fucking Middleton is wearing as long as people who want a job with a good wage can't find one, wars are being fought that will ultimately change absolutely nothing except our debt ceiling and the amount of people in the theater of battle who are still alive, politicians are saying one thing while doing another, public budgets are being cut all over this country as if no revenue whatsoever is coming in, Monsanto is suing farmers because their neighbors' crops are blowing over and cross-pollinating, and yo momma's so ugly they filmed "Gorillas In The Mist" in her shower. 

I just think that it is time to stop calling the people who report these stories journalists and start calling them people who can get stay at home mommies to keep watching the television long enough to get to the commercials for anti-bacterial cleaning products that the advertisers target to them.  It disgusts me. 

My blog-type-thing does a better job at reporting actual news, analyzing it, offering up differing opinions and perspectives based on which of my head-voices has control at the time, and serving it up more efficiently than any of the established "news" outlets do.  Not to say that my blog-type-thing should be anyone's source of news, but neither should cable news, network news, news papers, or any other major source with the exception of perhaps The Daily Show.  I bet Jon Stewart would be rolling over in his grave if he knew that his comedy show does a better job at being a real source for news than the people who claim to be a real source for news, and also, you know, if he were dead. 

So at last count at least 215 people died in the last 24 hours due to severe storms that swept across the South.  This is very sad and I feel bad for all of those people and the families affected.  Unless they think it was caused by global warming, in which case it may be a good thing they are gone.  Sound harsh?  Sorry, but we have enough stupid people occupying this Earth, we can stand to lose some.  Now before you hippie liberal types go and get all high and decide to sit on the couch watching Teletubbies in protest of what I just said, let me assure you that I do believe that global warming is a serious issue, that we are the cause of it, and that we really should do whatever we can to break our addiction to fossil fuels before we wipe out too many species of life on this planet that our food eats before we have nothing left to eat ourselves.  Plus the polar bear being separated from the polar bear cub as the ice breaks apart and floats away cartoon makes me sad, and I don't need to see that shit to believe in the science, okay Al fucking Gore?  (Successful blog-type-thing tip:  If you want to show anger at a particular individual, insert "fucking" between said individual's first and last name.)  Anyway, I do believe that global warming sucks, and that we need to do something about it.  What I do not believe (as opposed to a lot of the so-called "experts" who have commented on the 15 seconds worth of news story about the tornadoes after the 15 hours of royal wedding coverage seem to think) is that this is an example of the extreme storms caused by global warming.  But Josh, this many people haven't died in a single 24 hour period of storms in the US since 1974.  How could it not be global warming?  Well, because this many people haven't died in a single 24 hour period of storms in the US since 1974.  That's why.  In case you don't get it, read that last part again until you do.  I'll wait. 

A few years ago, everybody was freaking out because a large chunk of the population of bees were dying off.  Bees are necessary for a lot of pollination, pollination is necessary for many plants to survive, plants are necessary for cows to eat, cows are necessary for your McDonalds.  So you can see where this might be cause for alarm.  What nobody really bothered to mention though, is that the bees that were dying were primarily in commercial bee hives.  The bees left in the wild were faring much better.  Now, this is still a scary thought as there aren't very many bees left that have not been gathered into commercial hives, but leaving that little fact out changes the perception.  What's killing the bees?  What have we done?  Have we come too far?  How can we use this story to get a grant and pay ourselves to study the effects of cell-phone radiation on bees by bombarding them with it in confined spaces at levels they would only experience directly underneath a tower?  How can we keep the heat off of the huge commercial bee farms that keep hives from leaving when distressed as they would do in the wild?  How can we keep the heat off of the commercial bee farmers that manipulate the bees in order to get them to produce more honey than they usually would?  Well, we could use our friends in the news media to create mass panic.  Strange cases of commercial bee colonies suddenly dying have have been reported as far back as 1869.  Once Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) was made a popular term in 2006, many beekeepers who had lost hives started reporting the losses as such, even when there was an obvious known cause of death such as mites or other issues frequent in beekeeping.  According to a study in 2010, all CCD cases had both a virus present in the colonies as well as a fungus.  Many environmentalists, trying to add to the panic for their own purposes also included numbers of bee colonies lost due to beekeeper retirement in the figures for bee population decline.  Why am I going on a rant about bees?  Well, I don't like it when bees sting me.  It hurts.  That and the fact that people are easily manipulated when those who claim to report the news do not investigate, and take "experts" words at face value.  It is even worse when those reading or watching the news do not question the evil that they see or hear.  So it is your fault.  I blame you.  Question things.  Question my blog-type-thing.  Ask yourself, what is the ratio of truth to lies here?  Can I tell what is true and what is not?  Just don't ask me, because I don't know what words like "ratio" and "truth" mean. 

As I have said, my blog-type-thing should be nobody's source for news and/or information.  Or entertainment.  Or humor.  Or really anything of value.  That being said, it is a good waste of time and I do appreciate it when you read it.  Thanks mom. 

Well my dear reader(s), I am off to go gather facts on a hard-hitting story I plan to finish this week regarding hitting things hard.  I am not sure my lack of editor will publish it though, because it could have serious consequences for whatever gets hit hard. 

Until next time, question everything.  Even questions.  It is never annoying at all.  (Example:  How are you today?  Why do you want to know?  Why did you ask me that?  Why wouldn't I ask you that?  Why are you answering every question I ask with a question?  Josh told me to.  Damn!) 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Big Blog-Type-Thing O' Love

Good morning dear, lovely reader(s)!

Today's blog-type-thing is dedicated to my Hannah, and all the lovely lovers out there fighting by loving to make this world a more lovely place.  Ohhhh yeah.  

What is love (baby don't hurt me)?  Well, love is great because it can be anything you want it to be.  Even President if he were actually born in the US and wasn't a Socialist Muslim.  Love is not limited to a Hallmark definition.  I love all creatures, in different ways, unless they are foreign born Socialist Muslims.

So right now you may be wondering why I have decided to post-type-thing on this lovely subject of love.  Well, the world today can be a hateful place.  People killin', people dyin', the Black Eyed Peas releasin' "music"...and I just feel like the reason it is so easy to hate is because the things that you hate have a shortage of love.  Or talent.  But they do have cool light-up outfits.  

Anyway, I am starting to believe that many of the problems in the world today exist because of a lack of love.  Which problems possibly exist due to lack of love?  Well, okay voices in my head, you asked for this:  The US economy is in decline not because of a rise in Chinese production but moreover because we have been overspending on pathetic attempts at war with people who hate us.  They hate us not because we are "freedom lovers", but because we show them no love when we make deals with their dictatorial regimes (propping them up) for oil and overlook their "freedom" that we supposedly love.  We have only shown love for our freedom to this point, and they know it.  We do not love them for the tactics they use in fighting against us, the treasury drains and the circle of hate continues.  
Our planet has been shown no love when we choose to dump toxins in the air, land, and sea all in the name of energy, when we know we could come up with something to avoid all that.  Some may say this is done because of a love of money, but make no mistake, the feeling we have for money is lust, not love.  If we truly loved our money, we would not always be seeking more.  Just as if you truly love your partner, you are not always seeking more unless that is the kind of arrangement everyone involved has as consenting adults, an arragement which would not work for me, but may for some people so I will not judge.
If Reno politicians loved the people of this city, or the city itself, they would not have raided the city's funds to spend on consulting firms owned by their friends to funnel money their way knowing it might hurt the city they love down the road.  
There are so many more examples of how a little more love could solve the vast majority of problems in the world.  I would tell you all about them, but then I would sound like a hippy, and I fucking hate hippies, especially the foreign born Socialist Muslim hippies.  

So I am sure that at this point you are thinking I'm a hypocrite.  Well, you would be right.  I do hate.  I love to hate.  But my hate is specifically targeted.  For example, I don't hate all Muslims, just foreign born Socialist ones that steal the Presidency.  I am not sure which President did that since Obama was born in Hawaii, is not a Muslim (though who cares if he is?), and is no more of a Socialist than anyone else who believes that a government may tax its citizens and spend that money on different programs that may benefit society as a whole rather than the person who paid the most in.  (Understand this ignorant friends, we all support paying our troops, but using other people's tax money to do it, and pay for their health care, and any other benefits, is Socialism.)  I don't hate all ignorant people, just birthers, tea-partiers (I prefer coffee and/or alcohol parties), Southerners, Reno residents, Sarah Palin, and Donald Trump.  The people I hate are so hate-filled, I have no choice but to respond in kind.  Does that make me guilty of helping to perpetuate this cycle o' hate?  Absolutely.  And I love that.  

But imagine if we slowly start introducing small amounts of love into our discussions filled with hate.  Imagine if inside of our logical thought process, we added a perspective coming from a place of love for our planet, our fellow humans, our fellow creatures, and life in general.  Imagine all the people, living for today.  You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not.

I am going to go now.  I need to practice showing more love.  I think I will start with self-love, because Hannah is at work.  

So until next time dear reader(s), remember that it is love that makes the world go 'round, not gravity as those Scientists would have you believe.  But don't be too harsh on them, naughty scientists need love too.  

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

If you will recall, I am a self-confessed addict.  I am not in recovery because I have no plans to quit using the substance I am addicted to.  So far, I have not put it before my friends and family, but I am certain it is only a matter of time.  If the cost of a No-Carb Rockstar ever goes high enough that purchasing one of them on a day where I just need the caffeine means not being able to pay rent, I am rather confident that rent will go unpaid.  Luckily enough, I can usually find enough money in the chair cushions (I buy Rockstars over couches) that I can hit the Coinstar, eat the "counting fee", and get one when I really need one. 

Recently though, I have become acutely aware that I am harboring another addiction.  I am addicted to social media.  This is an odd revelation to me, considering how anti-social I truly am.  I have noticed that when I am near my slightly more intelligent but certainly not smart phone that I must always be checking Twitter to see if any of the people I follow have anything more interesting to say than what is going on around me.  Given the insane amount of excitement that occurs in my life this seems as though it would be hard to find anything more exciting, but it does happen.  (For example, someone I follow recently tweeted that they were watching paint dry.  That definitely wins.)  I also have found that I get angry (literally angry) when my friends haven't updated their status on Facebook recently enough.  Holidays piss me off to no end for this reason.  At Easter I was bored before all of Hannah's family arrived and I found myself saying things to myself like, "Why isn't anyone posting today?", "Stupid Easter is making Facebook boring!", and "Jesus sure as hell did not die so my friends can be offline!" 

I am proud of the fact that so far my social media addiction has not caused me to lose a sense of manners, the way that it has done with so many other people.  For example, I have never been out to dinner and checked my various social media sites at the table during conversation.  This is most likely due to the fact that I can't afford to go out to dinner because I am paying so much money for my slightly more intelligent but certainly not smart phone and its plan, but that is beside the point.  I have also never checked my phone in a movie, once again that is probably due to the fact that I haven't been to a movie in quite some time unless you consider the $3 movies at the GSR where my phone does not get signal anyway. 

Some people I know think that social media is a bad thing.  They try to keep their children away from it.  I think those people have it wrong.  To me it is the same as those people who try to keep their children from hearing bad words or knowing where babies come from.  They are going to be exposed to it anyway, and you as a parent have a duty to make sure they understand it and what rules you have regarding the use of it so that they may use it for the right reasons, in the proper way.  Like it or not, social media is at the point now where the internet was about 15 years ago.  Try keeping your children from the internet now.  I remember when some of my friends were not allowed to go online.  Those friends managed to get online anyway, and since they had to sneak on, they usually spent all their time doing the worst things they could online as they were already breaking the rules.  Now they have extreme porn addictions and have lost everything to 19.95 monthly subscriptions to websites such as German Sick Fetish Porn and Cat Fancy. 

I remember people who thought that e-commerce would never work.  I wonder how many items they have bought from since then.  I wonder how many months of subscriptions they have paid for German Sick Fetish Porn since then.  I have seen deals started over social media that result in large amounts of money being transacted.  If you keep your children in the dark about social media, how will they ever learn the skills to take advantage of this emerging form of business?  Take my blog-type-thing for example:  When I first started post-type-thinging, I had one reader.  Now, after a few months and a little trial and error, I have had as many as two people view my blog-type-thing in one day!  This is a faster rate of growth than the US economy since the Fall of 2008.  Sure, at this point I do not make any money from post-type-thinging, but I imagine a day in the future where this blog-type-thing will be my sole source of income.  I also imagine that pink bunnies have taken over Indonesia and that our Governor is actually a ham sandwich in disguise, but I don't see how that is relevant. 

People here in Reno seem unusually slow at adopting new technologies.  This is most likely due to the fact that these technologies require that people know how to read words beyond "cat", "hat", "border", "Mexican", 'Muslim" and "liberal".  Also, it is kind of hard to be on Twitter when you are engaged in your Christian duty of making babies at the age of 16.  (Hard, but not completely unheard of.) 

So mom, you may have noticed that I have not been post-type-thinging on here as frequently as I was for a while a couple weeks ago.  Before you panic, let me assure you that I have not decided to try to curtail my addiction to social media, nor have I developed any kind of social life that may interfere with my post-type-thing duties.  No, I assure you that I have just been really lazy this last week and that is all.  I still have no life, the voices in my head are still active, and if I can manage to gather the strength to lift my slightly more intelligent but certainly not smart phone up to my grubby little fingers, this blog-type-thing will continue to be updated on a semi-regular but certainly not routine basis.  I read on some social media that routine updates make it easier for people to follow your blog and since I have a blog-type-thing and not a blog, we certainly can't have that.

Well my dear reader(s), today I would like to leave you with a question, and so I will, regardless of whether or not you would like to be left with said question.  It is a two-part question, please answer both parts in the form of an essay no less than 500 words, and please have it on my desk before finals.  What possibilities do you see in the future for social media, and do you think its growth will be affected by the impending war with the pink bunnies and attempted liberation of Indonesia? 

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Nuclear Option

Good evening dear reader(s) is usually the first thing that I would write to open this blog-type-thing composed at this late an hour.  However, due to the tragic events that occurred earlier this morning, I think you can agree that it is not a good evening, and to say so would be disrespectful to those who were tragically lost in the barbaric attack perpetrated upon us.  Our enemies have struck a harsh blow today, but they have failed in their quest to extinguish the light that shines from within us as a becon to freedom loving people everywhere.  Our light shines on.  Our reaction will be swift, it will be mighty, it will be just, and it will be decisive.  

I speak now not to all of you, but to our enemies.  Your cowardice only shows your weakness.  Your quadumvirate of evil will not succeed against the forces of justice.  We will use whatever measures are necessary to maintain the security of our way of life.  This can only end with your unconditional surrender, or total anihilation.  

We can assure you that you have never encountered the total destruction we are prepared to unleash upon you.  

Surrender immediately or the next time a Happy Holiday battle is fought, it will not end happily for you.  

You have been warned.  

Friday, April 22, 2011

Happy Good Earth Friday!

Good morning dear reader(s)!

As many of you may know, I am not a particularly religious person.  I wouldn't call myself an atheist, because that strong of a belief in no God is kind of a religion in and of itself.  No, I would say I am more agnostic or pantheistic (the belief in pans).  I know pans exist, I have held them before.  They work well to cook food in.  Unless they are old or worn out, I have pretty good faith in them.  Anyway, you may be asking yourself (or not, because most likely you do not talk to yourself the way I do), "What does this guy's religious beliefs have to do with Reno?"  Well, there are a lot of people who consider themselves to be Christian here in the Biggest Little Dying Town, and I do not count myself as one of them.  Not that I have anything against Jesus.  But Jesus is just alright with me.  Jesus is just alright.  Oh?  Yeah.

So that being said, I still plan on celebrating Easter.  Why?  Food and bunnies, that's why.  I like them both.  I don't care for bunnies as food, unless they are of the chocolate variety.  Them darkies make good eats.

Many of my friends are posting on their various social networking tools updates filled with things like, "Happy Holy Week!", "Happy Good Friday!", "Happy Easter weekend!", "Peace be with you!", and "I got SOOO wasted last night that I think I puked up my tonsils and I still can't find my panties!"  It makes me wonder why people can put so much faith in someone's writing that they would base an entire way of life on it.  And then it occurred to me...people should do that with my blog-type-thing!

Think of how much better this world would be if everyone just lived by the teachings of my blog-type-thing!  Everyone would greet each other with the appropriate time of day for their particular timezone!  Could you imagine if the Israelis and Palestinians had to say, "Good morning dear Palestinian(s)\Israeli(s)!"  (or whatever time of day it is over there in that armpit of Earth).  How peaceful would our existence be?  I mean, granted, saying people live in Earth's armpit probably doesn't do much to advance the cause of world peace, but unlike most religious deity's, I do not claim to be perfect.  Okay...yes I do, but not all the time. 

Speaking of Earth's armpit, today is the day we celebrate the armpit of Earth and all of her other parts.  That's right, it is Earth Day!  The one day a year when we pretend that our priorities include taking care of the planet.  This year I have decided to do the following things today only in order to "Go Green": 

1.  Not go standing in a pile of carbon before walking, thereby reducing my carbon footprint. 
2.  Not poach endangered species.  I will grill them instead.  Poached White Tiger is good, but grilled White Tiger is great!
3.  Drink something that will turn my urine green, so I can actually go green. 

See?  It is easy to make a difference. 

Okay, recently in the news, Dick Gammick, (the DA that I have criticized in a previous post-type-thing) says that his office will lobby for funding in this latest round of budget cuts.  This is according to a story in the Daily Sparks Tribune.  This is what passes for news here.  A department head in the government does not want to have his funding cut.  That is exactly the kind of important information I think the founding fathers had in mind when they decided we needed a free press.  As bad as it is to call this story news, it beats the hell out of the "reporting" from the Reno Gazette Journal.  The headline on their website today..."Obama visit spotlights Reno's growing reputation as a clean energy hub".  Really?  Reno is a repudiated clean energy hub?  With who exactly?  The Reno Gazette Journal?  The article does not site any expert outside of the state who believes Reno is a "clean energy hub".  This is an advertisement for Reno, nothing more, and the Gazette should be ashamed of themselves for having the audacity to claim that they are a "newspaper".  At least have the balls to put that headline in the Opinion or Editorial section. 

Also in the news, Senator John Ensign has decided to resign amid an ethics investigation.  Now to me, this really is shocking.  I thought he was too arrogant to ever consider resigning.  If he came away with anything less than impeachment, I honestly believed he would most likely be re-elected too.  People here do not like change.  They still believe we are a tourist destination, and they still buy the Reno Gazette.

Well my dear reader(s) I think the time has come for me to go.  If I post-type-thing any longer, it will no longer be morning and I will have to change the opening to "Good afternoon dear reader(s)!"  And quite frankly, there is no way in hell I'm going to work that hard on this Good Earth Friday!

Until next time, be kind to your pans, and they will be kind to you.  


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Soda For Hippos

Good morning dear reader(s)!

Before anyone gets offended, let me just assure you that I am not calling anyone fat.  I also drink of the soda occasionally.  I just figured it sounded better than Water For Elephants.  Anything sounds better to me than Water For Elephants. 

Easter is coming and I can not wait at all.  In all of my years of theological study, I have decided that Easter IS about the bunnies, ham, candy, and eggs.  I am considering starting a campaign for major holidays to put the Easter Bunny, Santa, and commercialism back into the appropriate holiday.  I am so sick of friends of this guy Jesus saying that they should all be about him.  I know Jesus.  He's not a bad guy, but why he thinks he deserves to take over a bunch of my childhood holidays is beyond me.  I do like his Impala though. 

This Easter the plan is to go to Hannah's family's house for Easter dinner.  There has been some recent family drama that may keep people away, and it would be too bad, except it ultimately means more ham for me.  Hannah's grandpa makes a mean ham, which is good, because if the ham were nice, I would feel bad about eating it.  Easter dinner was almost canceled due to everything that has happened, but the holy spirit of the Easter Bunny seems to have won out.  Peace be with you, and enjoy a Cadbury Egg. 

Being that this is Reno, I believe the Easter forecast will be heavy snow with a wind-chill of minus 50 degrees.  The Easter tree lights should look so good reflected in the frosty window with the snow in the background.  I am of course exaggerating slightly.  It is supposed to get up to 53 and be windy.  Windy in the forecast in Reno is not windy in the forecast elsewhere.  Windy here is hurricane force.  The only reason why we do not have severe damage and power outages all of the time is because no trees grow here to get toppled over in the wind.  Any tree that does grow likely has roots that are taller than the tree itself, and so the wind can't really take it down.  The scariest part of a windstorm here is the sand you get in your eyes, mouth, nose, pores, or any other opening I am too polite to name.  The US military should consider training here to learn to prepare for the wind storms in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Pretty much the same place, except I think the unemployment rate may be lower there.  Oh, and women aren't stoned here, but they do get pregnant earlier. 

I am of course joking.  We do stone women here too.

Last night I couldn't sleep so I decided that I would try and say some funny one-liners on my Twitter account.  Of course, since I am not funny, I did not succeed.  BUT, I did get some attention with one of the tweets.  The tweet was, "1st rule of Twitter:  Don't talk about Fight Club."  Not very funny, almost made me half-smile though, so out went the tweet.  It was re-tweeted. I guess...but then there was a reply that said, "@drumwrenn #StopHomophobia". not talking about Fight Club makes one homophobic?  If you click on the link it takes you to a picture of someone in drag holding a cross.  I am all for stopping homophobia, but what makes someone put that in reply to my original tweet?  I'm sorry, but that is just gay.  (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)  (Works best if you imagine Seinfeld saying it.)

I had originally planned to be preparing to move back to the Seattle area this month, but it looks as though that will have to wait due to a lack of funds.  Because of this, I have decided to accept donations so that I may leave Reno.  If you or someone you know would like to contribute money, just let me know in the comments section on this blog-type-thing and I will send you information on the different methods you can use to send a Josh back to Seattle.  This is in your best interest too, because the sooner I am back in Seattle, mom, the sooner you won't have to read about how much I want to get out of Reno.  Everybody wins.  My new goal is 6 months, but it could be sooner if you can help.  Please, you CAN make a difference in the life of a Josh. 

Well my dear reader(s), I think I should probably get going.  Until next time, you have a lot of fund-raising to do, and I don't want to impede you efforts.  You may want to try a Bake-Sale, because I like baked goods and in addition to any proceeds, the unsold baked goods can be donated to me as well.  I would need something to wash the baked goods down with though, so perhaps you can also donate some soda. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A Study In Productivity

Good morning dear reader(s)!  

Did you miss me?  Me either.  Anyone who regularly checks this page (me & my mom) may have noticed that I did not do a post-type-thing after writing one daily for at least a solid week.  How can I go without doing one when there is an obvious shortage of crappy material in the blog-type-thingosphere?  Well, it starts with allergies.  

When one grows up in a certain climate, one generally becomes aclimated to said climate's distinct types of pollen and other plant-specific particulate.  Then when one moves away, they must adapt to that climate's particulate.  Eventually the body forgets about the first climate's particulate.  Then one moves back to the original climate, & the particulate of the original climate decides to try & make one suicidal, but in a much more exciting way than M. Knigt Shyamalan came up with for "The Happening".  Instead of working in your brain, it just makes you so miserable with allergies that death seems as though it may be your only salvation.  Rather than suicide, I decided I would first take Benadryl before I went to bed the night before last, which would let me live, but make me comatose for a while so as not to be aware of the allergies.  (I have determined in my own clinical trial that Benadryl is no more effective than placebo at blocking the effects of allergies, but is 99% effective at putting one into a coma so the allergy symptoms become second priority.  JAMA has rejected publication of my study, but I think they are all on Benadryl's payroll.)  

This is twice now that just 2 Benadryl at night have put me into a funk the next day in about a week.  Yesterday I could not fight through, & barely got moving in time to get to work.  So, unfortunately for me, but fortunately for the rest of humanity, no post-type-thing from me.  

But today is different.  I woke up feeling alive and rested.  And kind of hungry, & a little randy, but that is neither here nor there.  Anyway, I got ready early & went to the organization where I work's volunteer recruiting event where I heard inspiring stories about how people can get involved and help.  I would tell you which organization, but I write a ton of inappropriate shit, piss a couple people off (me and my mom), and just present an image that they most likely do not want to be associated with on this blog-type-thing.  And since I like them so far, I will allow them to maintain their good PR as long as possible.  Anyway, that lasted an hour, and I don't have to be back till this afternoon.  So what to do?  

Well, I came home, filled three bags full of clothes I don't wear to take to the donation bins that benefit the organization I work for.  I called to schedule a long awaited appointment for tomorrow morning before work.  I called and scheduled another appointment I have been meaning to make for Thursday.  I cleaned up the clothes I had left on the living room floor last night.  I made the bed.  I have done so many productive things!  Until about 15 minutes ago.  15 minutes ago, my productivity came to a crashing halt.  I started writing this.  While I am producing crappy writing to litter the interwebs with, I don't really think it qualifies as being productive.  

Well my dear reader(s), I think I should probably get going.  I should get up and work out, maybe finish cleaning my rented luxury condo in the ghetto, maybe take the bags of clothes to the donation bin, I could write a list of goals with my strategies for reaching them, maybe come up with new ways to promote my blog-type-thing, figure out how to reach a wider audience than my mom...or, I could take a nap.  Yes, that sounds most productive of all!  

So until next time dear reader(s), do something productive in your own community.  Take a nap.  Make the world a better place.  You'll be glad you did!  

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Maybe Not a Depression, but So Depressing

Good morning dear reader(s)!

Yesterday we walked to the river.  At the river, there were tons of people.  They were wine walking.  Some were just soaking up the sun.  Some were doing tricks on those new-fangled skateboards that are all the rage lately.  It was nice.  The walk there & home however...

4th and the Bowling Stadium:  1 guy is talking to himself.  He is standing way too close to me.  I have personal space requirements.  He obviously did not.  As he is muttering to himself, a man approaches from across the intersection.  Shit.  Eye contact.  I reach my fingertips into the change pocket on my shorts.  I have 20 cents.  I know where this is going.  I owe Renown like 50K because I happened to get sick at night instead of during business hours.  Where should I apply the 20 cents?  

"Hey Bro, I'm like a quarter short."  

Well, he asked nicer than the folks at Renown.  He gets the 20 cents.  I tell him that's all I got.  I'm not lying.  Hannah gives him a buck.  Thanks for showing me up.    

Within a block, we were hit up for change by three more people.  I know it was 4th street, but come on.  Everyone we passed seemed like they could use a little spare change too but weren't asking.  Hell, I could use spare change if only to get Renown paid.

Turning onto Virginia is when I really sensed the desperation.  Nobody there seemed like a tourist.  If anyone was going into the few open casinos they were most likely locals going to feed their compulsion, or trying in vain to increase the size of their meager paychecks so they can both pay their rent & put gas in their car.  

It looked like a ghost town.  Occasional packs of thug-types would pass by, most likely not going to the few open casinos to feed the economy.  The vehicle traffic was a car here & there, and a ton of cops.  So this is where they patrol.  Because while shit is going on all over the rest of the city (i.e. the open drug dealing and whoring transactions down 4th closer to 6th) apparently the cops are tasked with keeping the peace for whatever tourists do show up on Virginia Street only.  I am beginning to think Reno Police hate doing anything at all, unless there is a "special enforcement week".  I will elaborate a little later on in this post-type-thing.  

People were glaring at the Cops.  I mean, really giving them some dirty looks.  I am not a huge fan of the RPD don't get me wrong, but the hostility seemed odd.  To me, they seem lazy, & you always see them breaking traffic laws, but it isn't like they shoot restrained people in the back or baton them repeatedly.  I am not Mexican though, so my perception may be off.  I have heard that they harrass the hell out of Mexicans.  

Anyway, the street was cracked and torn, it was dead, & there were a ton of dealers sitting at the trench (ugly eyesore dealer camp, worst mistake this city (known for bad mistakes) has ever made).  

But getting near the river was like being in a different country.  It is the shining star of Reno.  Not the dirty exterior of the Eldorado.  

On the way back, Hannah & I are in the crosswalk.  We have the walk sign.  We (unlike most people) STILL looked both ways.  It is clear.  Halfway through, some truck with California plates comes flying around the corner and almost hits us.  Hannah, being the most proper lady-like delicate flower she is screams, "We have the walk, fucking asshole!"  I love this woman!  

Well, apparently the douchebag in the truck didn't.  He stops.  In the middle of Sierra.  There is a cop sitting at the stoplight on the other side.  I know he sees.  He does nothing.  I ask the driver of the truck in my most polite possible tone if he has a fucking problem and would like to do something about the truth my girlfriend just shouted to him.  He apparently decides against it and peels off.  The cop sees all of this, and does nothing.  

Hannah, being the most proper, lady-like, delicate flower she is turns her rage toward the cop.  "Why don't you cite him for almost running us over, you fat fuck?!?"  or something to that effect.  This turns into a theme for the rest of the walk home as Hannah is now shouting at every cop she sees, and there were so many.  Everytime she said something, anyone near us, be it the homeless guy laying in the doorway or the people walking behind us, or the couple walking past would say something like, "Yeah!"  I really haven't seen this much open hostility toward the police in a long time.  I think people are alot more desperate than those in power realize, and I just hope that there is no single event that causes many of them to snap.  Like if the Aces suddenly started losing.  There'd be a full-blown fucking riot, I just know it.  

On my way into Sparks this morning, a Reno PD truck enterred 80 West from the spaghetti bowl.  I was in the left lane, doing 73.  He got behind me, and got on my ass.  I moved over to the middle lane to let him by.  I was in Sparks, by this time, figured it wouldn't be worth his time to cite me, so I maintained speed.  He passed me.  I tried to have Hannah get it on video on my phone so I could show my dear reader(s), but she doesn't know how to work it.  I don't particularly give a shit if a cop speeds, but it is just one more example of the arrogance they show as they break laws they themselves are tasked with enforcing.  It seems to me, there is a clear reason the show was Reno 911 as opposed to say, Bakersfield 911.  

So until next time dear reader(s), do us all a favor.  If you see a cop, or anyone in authority abusing their power, try & document it & report it.  Do it for the minor things as a reminder that we won't tolerate it, before they think they can get away with doing something more major, like brutalizing someone or something that could spark a much bigger problem.  If you don't want to do that, at least the give the homeless guy your 20 cents, maybe then he won't ask me.  

Saturday, April 16, 2011

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Good Morning Dear Reader(s)!  

Today I am blog-type-thinging live on location outside Tres Image as I wait for my haircut appointment.  I know it only takes 5 to 7 minutes to get here, & yet I insist on leaving 30 minutes early just in case.  In case what?  A cow blocks the road?  There is no traffic on the way, ever.  Oh well, more time to blog-type-thing.  

I get my haircut at Tres Image (which is pronounced Tress Image, for those of you thought it was French).  It is very froo-froo.  I used to go to places like Cost Cutters and Great Clips, but they jacked their prices to just under the same level as the fancy salons and in exchange f-ed up my simple haircut every other time.  Hannah's uncle works here and hasn't messed it up once, so now I go to the place all the women go to get hair, nails, & massages while sipping on belinis and gossiping about their friends.  I must admit though, I can see why some guys are metro.  

Last night was the home opener for the Reno Aces.  Tonight my friend Natalie sings the National Anthem.  I would bet Christina Aguilara's yearly income that she doesn't mess it up as bad as Christina did for the Superbowl.  I want to go, but I don't want to help perpetuate the myth that the redistribution of money from the pockets of local residents to the ballpark is actually good for the economy.  If it isn't sold out, I might let my hypocrisy win out, because it is a beautiful day for hotdogs, watery beer, and an occasional glance down at the action (if you can call it that) on the diamond.  Plus, it willl be good to root for the home team, peanuts & crackerjacks not withstanding.  

After I become less shaggy, (& she is willing to be seen in public with me), Hannah & I might take a walk down by the river, have some lunch, & check out the van that may become our new home should I decide on a career in motivational speaking.  (Chris Farley joke, for you youngsters.)  

Now I am back at home sippin' on some mimosas and listening to Rise Against with the windows open in an attempt to drown out the bass rattles from the crap the upstairs neighbors are playing.  Oh well, it is beautiful outside, one of the few days that Reno is not too hot, not too cold, & ba-ba-ba-ba-baaaaa, I'm  lovin' it!  

So I will write my rants about the never ending road construction on 5th, that requires a 4WD vehicle to get over the various patches, cracks & potholes tomorrow, because today is just too nice to get into pissy mode.  

This goes against my usual motto "It is never too nice to get into pissy mode" but I have tried, honest.  

The only way I could see this being better is if I was sipping on Guiness on a rainy day in Ireland.  Or I imagine anyway, since I have never been there for fuck's sake.  Or maybe on a sunny day in Seattle, at gas works, looking out across the lake, enjoying a Red Hook or Geogetown.  I HAVE been there, but not for fuck's sake.  

So until next time dear reader(s), enjoy your weather, whatever your weather is like.  It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, but my neighborhood is kinda ghetto, so I don't know if you'd want to be my neighbor.  And you really have to like crappy music with loud bass.  

Stay tuned for tomorrow's blog-type-thing if you want to see something more pissy.  The good voice in my head generally doesn't have control very long, so it should be good and angry.  

Friday, April 15, 2011


Good morning dear reader(s)!  

I hope everyone is feeling better after their sudden allergic reaction to nothing in particular that caused them to turn beet-red, break out in hives, & have just enough throat swelling to freak out a little.  Oh, that was just me?  Oh.  Fine.  Rub it in.  As for me, I am much better this morning (knock on plastic as no wood is nearby), although I do have a bit of a Benadryl hangover.  Everytime I get so hungover from drinking that I consider stopping, (see Hungover in Suburbia) I think about how something as innocuous as Benadryl makes me feel so much worse, so I might as well keep drinking.  Addiction specialists call that justification, I call it logical thought.  And I don't think anyone who isn't an addict can actually call themselves an addiction specialist.  Sorry Dr. Drew.  I am an addict, but not to alcohol, I actually rarely drink, just get piss-stupid-drunk when I do.  My true addiction is caffiene.  In fact, maybe partly due to my Benadryl hangover, I was craving it so bad this morning that I was having the shakes.  

Due to the aforementioned caffiene fiending I decided I had better procure some as soon as was reasonably possible.  I didn't feel like going in anywhere as I hadn't really showered or anything beyond getting ready for a trip to WalMart, so drive-thru was the most logical option.  And since Hannah had called in an order for delicious bagels from The Daily Bagel & ran in to get them on the way to her work, I knew that I must have coffee to go with my yummy bagely goodness.  But where to get the coffee?  After dropping off Hannah at her work, I found myself in Sparks.  1 block from a Starbucks.  Should I go there?  HELL NO!  I want coffee, not McDonald's quality automated latté.  So where to?  Well, even though I do live in Reno, there aren't many coffee shops within a couple miles of my luxury condo in the ghetto, so I went well out of my way to the only logical choice.  The Purple Bean.  Mmmmmm.  My White Mocha was very good.  Not Seattle good, but very good.  This got me to thinking.  (It takes alot sometimes to get me thinking, I avoid it if at all possible.)  Since I hate major corporations, have decided I want to make Reno a better place until I get out, and would rather see a small business succeed than an international conglomerate that exploits cheap labor, I would write a blog-type-thing with a list of local or small companies of high quality that I can feel good about supporting with my hard-begged-for money.  That way, when my mom finally comes down to visit, she will know good places to go.

I am calling these my favorites, instead of best, because even though I know what is best, that doesn't mean everyone will agree as they may be stupid.  

Favorite Coffee Shop:  Fairly Grounded on Lakeside Court.  They made me the greatest cup of coffee I have had outside of Seattle.  Plus I think the whole name thing is a play on words regarding fair trade & other whiny, hippie, liberal BS.  2nd choice is Java Jungle, as they are usually very good but sometimes a bit too cool for school, or coffee.  

Favorite Drive-Thru Coffee:  The Purple Bean.  On W. 7th St.  Very good quality, nice peeps.  Just hate the location, as by driving there I generally want to murder 15 people on the way.  

Favorite Bagel place:  The Daily Bagel on Morrill.  This is a great little place in the old firehouse near the Wells overpass. Urban renewal at its  finest.  Now if other places will follow suit...

Favorite local grocery store: we have one here?  I know of a few tiendas that are okay, but nothing spectacular.  If so, PLEASE let me know.

Favorite auto mechanic:  The Flying Scotsman.  (775) 240-1137 This guy is a mobile mechanic, & it will cost you less than bringing your vehicle to a shop.  Fair, honest, good work.  

Favorite nice restaurant:  La Famiglia on Sierra St.  My first official date with Hannah started there.  

Favoirte partied-out restaurant:  The Gold 'N Silver Inn.  4th St.  We love kids!  

Favorite brewery:  Great Basin.  Sparks, Victorian.  Because, to quote my friend Paul, "Silver Peak has jumped the shark".

Favorite local bar:  Abby's Old Highway 40.  4th. St.  This bar is small, in a crappy neighborhood (2 blocks from me) and usually fairly low-key, so it is a good place to have a drink with a few friends and not have to deal with a hundred thousand douchebags in Tap Out shirts looking to date rape 19 year old giggly blondes who were let in because they are hot.  

Favorite karaoke:  El Cortez.  W. 2nd St.  Some of you may know that I was drugged at another bar that used to be known for karaoke on West 2nd. St.,  but now is known for shootings, date rapes, and robbery.  The El Cortez is was that place was 15 years ago.  Fun!  

Favorite local musical instrument store:  Well, not Bizarre Guitar.  Who the hell do they think they are?  In 20 years of attempting to buy stuff from them I don't think the staff could be bothered to help me within the first 30 minutes of standing at the counter waiting for them to look up from their Guitar World magazine issue once!  I would rather support the chain guys at Guitar Center or just go online to Musician's Friend any day of the week!  I may support Maytan's if I ever need a baby grand, but otherwise they are too pricey.  

Favorite local sandwich shop:  Yellow Submarine.  Sparks, Holman way.  #4 with avacado.  

Okay, now it is your turn.  I can't think of many local businesses outside of the world of food.  (Am I hungry?)  If you have any local businesses you want to give a shout-out to, especially if they are not food related, please leave in the comments!    

Well, that is all for now dear reader(s)!  I have finished my coffee and need to go get more caffeine now.  Maybe a Rockstar as it is almost noon.  

Until next time, support your local businesses unless the foundation and columns are of good quality, in which case hopefully the businesses are well supported on their own.  But if you're gonna buy shit, be like Charlie, Buy-Win by buying local.  

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Feeling is Mutual?

Good morning dear reader(s)!

Something odd happened a couple days ago.  I got angry over the brushing under the rug of a news story, wrote about it in this here blog-type-thing, & had it read by someone other than my mom.  There were actual readers, not reader(s).  Whew!  Glad that's over.  Back to the not so serious lameness I (not you) have come to know and love.  

So if you do not love my lame blog-type-thing, and I do, how is the feeling mutual?  Well maybe I'm not talking about my blog-type-thing when I say that.  Nope, I am not.  I am talking about my dislike for the NBA, & their apparent dislike for me.

What is the NBA?  Well mom, the NBA stands for National Basketball Association.  They are a professional league of basketball teams.  Ever since one game in the 90s, when it appeard to me that the game was thrown so a certain superstar's team would win the Finals on Father's Day instead of before Fathers Day (following the tragic death of said superstar's father), I have decided that I don't like basketball.  Let's not even go into how often said superstar was allowed to travel when everyone else would get called.  To be clear, I am aware said superstar was most likely the greatest anyway, which is why it pissed me off so bad when he got so much help from the refs.  Anyway, long story still long but less so, I haven't much cared for the NBA since.  

So a few years back I'm living in Seattle, and they had this NBA team called the Seattle Supersonics, or The Sonics for short.  They played at Key Arena.  I saw the Foo Fighters play there.  I never once went to see The Sonics play there.  Well, the owner of The Sonics decided to move the team to Oklahoma City & rename them "The Thunder".  I couldn't care less except on the following two points.
1.  I felt bad for people who actually wanted to go see The Sonics play.
2.  I thought (& still do think) that the name "The Thunder" is kinda gay.  (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

So anyway, on with my life, not thinking much about an NBA team leaving a city I was living in.  I move back to Reno, write my blog-type-thing & go about my life.  

Then last night while reading ESPN wishing there was a headline about the end to the NFL lockout, I just happen to see that the Sacramento Kings NBA team most likely is leaving Sacramento.  So wait, I move from a former NBA town to a town with no NBA team but one within a couple hundred miles, & now that team is moving away too?  Hmmm.  Commissioner David Stern must think that having an NBA team so close to me is bad for the sport.  Oh well, I don't like it anyway.  It is just really strange knowing I have such an impact.  

I've been questioning why anyone might want to read my blog-type-thing, follow me on Twitter (@drumwrenn), friend me on Facebook, or stalk me in the traditional way.  I am not a celebrity, politician, celebrity politician, or political celebrity so I almost  gave up on this whole "expressing my opinions and lame jokes" thing.  But the NBA  has decided that I am meaningful enough to move away from, & that is motivation enough to keep me going.  Good news for you! for you.  But good news for me and my boredom level. 

So now I have definitely decided that I owe it to the voices in my head to keep going.  I will seek out truth and justice, no matter how buried under layers of corruption it may be.  Then once I find said justice, I will pervert it because I like it perverted.  Occasionally I will write a blog-type-thing with a strong opinion, a different perspective, and a subject matter of importance, but don't worry, most of the time you will get the same kind of crap as this.  
So until next time my dear reader(s), keep on reading, and I'll keep on writing.  Or don't and I'll keep on writing.  I have to, or else the NBA wins.  

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Getting Away With Murder in Reno

Good morning dear reader(s)!

A few days ago a man was shot and killed in Northwest Reno.  The shooter has claimed self-defense.  No charges have been filed.  The local news media has not even questioned the shooter's story, or his actions.  This is another example of why more and more people are discarding them as an objective source of information.

Below is a copy of a letter that I sent to some local news media outlets.  I am certain it won't be printed.

Brandon LeBlanc, a part-time Sparks resident, is dead.  It appears District Attorney Gammick will not prosecute.   
The killer claims he was acting in self-defense.  Was he?  
Scenario 1:  You and your friends are out late at night.  You see a man acting in no official capacity approach your vehicle.  You do not know his intent, but he is coming at you.  You are armed.  
Scenario 2:  You and your friends are out late at night.  Two Reno Police cars approach your vehicle.  Within seconds there are blue and red lights flashing and spotlights in your face.  Officers are telling you in no uncertain terms to put your hands out of the window and slowly exit the vehicle.  You are armed.
In Scenario 2, Brandon LeBlanc is most likely alive and in jail.
But the killer took the law into his own hands by grabbing his gun and going out to confront a "suspicious vehicle" full of teenagers who, up to that point, were guilty of the henious acts of loitering and driving up the street one too many times.
He didn't call police and watch from the safety of his living room as the police were allowed to do their job.  
He claims they tried to rob him.  Maybe he is telling the truth.  But rather than put himself in that position, why not call the police?  Where was the immediate threat that caused him, alone, to confront a "suspicious vehicle" full of teenagers?  It is clear this man was looking for a fight.  
I believe in the right of self-defense.  This isn't a case of it.  But hey, one more lifetime Gammick voter, and one less punk kid, right?  

As you can see by the letter above, I am not a huge fan of the Wild West law Dick Gammick has created here.  If this crime is allowed to go unprosecuted, it essentially gives the right for homeowners to have armed confrontations with anyone they feel doesn't belong in their neighborhood.

"Uh-oh Marge, the black family's friends are over again, and some of them might be under 30 too.  Obviously a threat.  Better grab the gun and let them know they shouldn't wait out in their car like that.  I hope they try something so I get to kill 'em."  

Well dear reader(s), that is all I have for you today.  

So until next time, stay the hell off my street, or I'll kill you, and I'll get away with it.  

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Hungover in Suburbia

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

Last night I drank.  And then I drank some more.  And then a bit more.  This was after drinking at brunch in the morning.  Then, after all the drinking, I went to a bar, sung karaoke, & drank some more.  Then, after all that, I took a cab home because I could no longer walk, drank more (Gatorade this time).  And then the fun began.  

I decided it might be a good idea to vomit.  Sometimes you just know you drank too much & need to take a little off the top.  So I go to the largest room in my apartment (the bathroom), & I wait.  I am not the finger-down-the-throat guy.  The cool of the bathroom floor, coupled with my dizziness, made for a very inviting place to wait for the alcohol to decide to finally get with the program.  If it would just get the message that I was fine with the path I knew it was wanting to take, I was sure I would feel quite a bit better.  

3 hours later, I wake up, lift myself to my knees, & come to the sudden realization that some of the alcohol was now ready for its journey.  As I began the bittersweet process of separating with my former friend, I started to believe that letting go of my former partner in fun would be the way I would be able to function the next day.  I congratulate myself on the execution of a great plan as I brush my teeth & make my way to bed in order to pass out.  

Around 7:30 my cat wakes me up in the traditional manner of clawing at my feet & I sit up with the realization that my plan was flawed.  No headache, but my stomach is not a happy camper, and there is nothing in it to get rid of.  I am hungover, & to top it off, I have to be in Spanish Springs (my least favorite area of my least favorite area) to help out my dad.  

So I turn to the Rockstar.  Rockstars have always ended my hangovers in the past, so I am pretty confident that I will be okay.  I have a bagel because bread doesn't really sit funny.  I drink some more Gatorade, and I head out to the suburbs of death.  It is not more than 2 minutes on the road before I find myself stuck behind the idiotic soccer moms by themselves in huge SUVs in the left lane of North McCarran driving to the Pyramid intersection that may be the worst intersection in the world.  Let's all go 10 under the speed limit, because you need to be in this lane, & we know it, because if you try to get around we will NOT let you over.  Why?  Because our kids are at home and we as the good little wifey's are bitter that hubby only shows us love in the form of cash.  

So I make it to my destination after 20 or so minutes of yelling, screaming, flipping people off, and being glad I do not carry a weapon in my car this particular day.  I feel like garbage, but here in the house, I have the food network, a couch, and doors that close off the world of robotic clone people outside.  Could be so much worse.  I am okay for now, but I am not looking forward to...

Lunch time.  There is no food in the house.  I know I must make my way to strip mall hell (there is nowhere else to get food out here), battle the clones, and get some food.  Saint Hannah remains behind so that I may leave in order to get something.  We decide on Togo's, which is pretty good for a chain and fairly light so as not to break the uneasy peace I have successfully negotiated with my stomach.  I catch a nice break in traffic on Pyramid, get to the Los Altos turn with a green light, park, and it is surprisingly very easy.  Order the sandwiches, pay, leave.  So far so good.  I am most happily surprised.  When I go to leave the shopping center, I pass by Michael's and Best Buy.  I dodge some idiots coming out of one box store, who are stopping all the way in the exact center of the driving area of the lot, so they can say some words to someone in front of the store.  Don't mind me, I could just kill you by pressing down on the wrong pedal.  But no worries.  Just stand there.  So after muttering some choice words (you can choose what words you think I used, hence the term "choice words"), I continued my 5 mph trip out of the lot.  As I passed just before Best Buy, I saw a huge wad of spit flying from somebody's mouth to the sidewalk.  "Classy," I thought.  Then I saw the spittor.  Him and his girlfriend, all in black.  He had a chain wallet hanging out.  His leather jacket had studs.  Her jacket had some band name on the back.  They were SO very punk rock.  I was impressed by their obvious distain for the establishment as I watched them walk into the Best Buy, in the stripmall, in suburbia, in the Reno-Sparks area.  Continue your anti-conformist ways guys!  I hope you enjoy your edgy 30 Seconds To Mars album.  

Now don't get me wrong.  I go to chain stores sometimes.  I drive a smaller SUV.  I am by no means as separated from the major corporations I despise as I wish I was.  But, and here is what irks me:  I don't claim to be.  And even if I was, I wouldn't spit a digusting pile of snot onto a public sidewalk.  

So upon leaving the shopping center, there is a yield onto Pyramid.  The speed limit at this stretch is 55.  There is a lovely break thanks to the light at Disc being red on Pyramid, & I am optimistic I will hit it.  There is a car in front of me, but you would have to be the world's biggest moron not to be able to get to speed and allow enough time for 10 more vehicles behind you to make that gap.  Enter the world's biggest moron...he enterred the road at 5.  50 under.  I wasn't riding his bumper, so he wasn't just doing it to mess with me and the cars behind me, he was just that stupid.  I was thinking car trouble, until I saw the cell phone.  

I miss the gap, but the traffic cluster was short, and hit another one within a minute or so.  Good thing for the family of that driver, because I would hate for them to have to deal with his untimely death at the hands of a crazed motorist seeking vengeance for his idiotic driving.  I actually passed him, within a couple cross streets.  He had reached 35.  I was proud of his progress.  

So I am back at the house, watching Cupcake Wars, writing about my experience, and renegotiating the terms of the cease-fire with my stomach.  The head has decided to enter the fray, and apparently feels entitled to a seat at the table.  We are considering the division of Berlin.

So until next time dear reader(s), remember that a mind is a terrbile thing to soak in alcohol, as is your stomach, as is your liver, or whatever is left of it.  

Saturday, April 9, 2011

My Epiphany

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

Last night, as I was already drunk from the 7&7s that Hannah & I consumed after I came home from a visciously long 2 hour workday, Hannah & I decided to walk to Abby's Highway 40 on 4th street to have even more drinks.

While there, we started to talk about how badly Reno is dying (What?!?  Me?!?) with the bartender & one of my friends I called & had meet us there.  During our discussion we all agreed that Reno should just legalize every vice, tax the hell out of it, & sail through any economic storm on the winds of sex, drugs, & bad music purported to be rock & roll, but really just crappy country/pop music.  

Now the bartender most likely has not read my blog-type-thing, & my friend probably hasn't either (I almost never mention it to anyone, especially in context, as that might be the smart thing to do.) but we all agreed that a philosophy for Reno similar to that I had proposed in one of my earlier blog-type-thing posts (Charlie Sheen for Mayor) was the one last chance Reno had to make it.  And then, like a whip lashing from that great dominatirx in the sky, it hit me!  I and I only can save Reno from itself!  While I stand by my original plan to install Charlie Sheen as Mayor, I should be the one with the real power.  I will be the one running things behind the scenes.  I will save Reno from itself!  I owe it to all of the voices in my head!  

Now upon sobering up a bit, my epiphany last night does not seem quite as rational, but it does make me believe that I have a duty to change things.  Then I asked myself, "Self, do I really want to change things, or just get the hell out ASAP?"  

This is an excellent question that I believe everyone should ask themselves upon deciding whether or not to embark on a course of action wherin they will attempt to alter the socio-political landscape in which they currently reside.  As for me, the answer is a definite no.  I don't care.  I will leave here on the next flight I can afford and laugh to myself as the great sinkhole opens up ala Sunnyvale & swallows this entire town & all of the demons that live here.  

However, I have also realized that at this point I still haven't the means to move away from this town, so it is in my best interest to change things for the better.  Yes, that is right, for all Reno residents.  My benevolence is unequaled.  I truly am Reno's least until I move.  

So now the question becomes, how do I, a simple man of enormous complexity, change Reno for the better?  Well, here are my ideas so far:
1.  Spread the word.  Some people don't understand the gravity of Reno's suckage, but may be just the people to do something about it once aware.  So if I bitch about this town as much as humanly possible, through this blog-type-thing, conversations with people I meet, conversations with the voices in my head on the street, printed flyers, t-shirts, driving around shouting through a loudspeaker at 1 am on a Sunday night, etc..., then maybe I can bring about a positive change to this community.  
2.  If my vision is to make Reno the adult playground of the world, where sin & vice are not only allowed, but encouraged openly for the purposes of profit, I realize I must lead by example.  Follow me into the light my children.  There might be something in that Kool-Aid, but I guarantee you it will be much more fun than cyanide.  

Okay, so there we go.  Now, if each of my dear reader(s) would come up with two ways THEY can change Reno for the better, there could be as many as four things being done on a semi-regular basis that will have some sort of impact on this town. 

So until next time my dear reader(s), keep hope alive, keep reaching for the stars, remember that together, with hope, yes we can change this city!  And if not, it dies and the suffering is over.  At least we will know that we tried.  Though miracle workers we are not, we will be steadfast in our righteousness, we will not rest until all blah, blah, blah.  Words.  

Friday, April 8, 2011

Things to Love About Reno

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

As many of you know, I hate this Biggest Little City with a passion almost as great as the passion all of you have for my blog-type-thing.  However, Hannah keeps bitching at me for being too negatvie, so in a break with tradition, I offer you a list of things to love about Reno.  I am positive that I will have at least four things on my list.  I am also positive however, that some of this may leave you with a negative impression of this Biggest Little City.  I am also positive that any negative impression you may form regarding my positivity or that of this city is your impression, and therefore you are the one being negative.  So without further delay, here it is, in all its glory, just for you, with no more stalling, in just a few more seconds, right after this commercial break, (just kidding, no one would advertise to just my mom)...My List of Things to Love About Reno!!!  (Applause)

1.  Cheap and easy to procure alcohol.  (i.e. 24/7, in convenience stores, church parking lots, classrooms, etc...)  This is not only something to love about living here, it is also somewhat of a necessity given how often this place can drive one to drink.

2.  It snows more often on sunny days here than anywhere else on the planet.  This is fact as documented by me, on my travels to at least 10 other cities within the continental US as well as 1 city in Canada.  Therefore the accuracy of my claim is indesputible.  Why is this something to love?  Well, despite it being cold as hell, snow in sun does look pretty.

3.   I'm here.  That is why YOU should love Reno.  Not me, it is why I hate it.  

4.  Our alternative radio station, despite not being very alternative (i.e. alot of Hipster trendy music) at least tries to play something besides 80s hair metal, & their morning show gives you the ability to hear some music as opposed to only talk.  Also, the talk you do hear is not really lame which is rare intalk radio.  Which segues so nicely into...

5.  It has been years since we had to say we are the home of Rob, Arnie, & Dawn.  

There.  5 things you can love about Reno.  I am such a positive person that I even beat my prediction of having 4 things on my list.  

So until next time dear reader(s), just sit there in the Lotus position and try to absorb the positive energy I am sending your way.  Of course, anyone with a brain knows you won't be able to absorb only positive energy because for a circuit to work you need both positive and negative energy, but it keeps you sitting there quiet, and that is a positive thing for me.  

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Blog of Note (according to me, not Blogger)

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!  

Today's note is middle C.  I decided upon middle C because most people can hit it.  Even I can, & only have the Peter Brady voice cracks with it if I attempt to sustain it for longer than 3 seconds.  

In case you do not understand the title of today's blog-type-thing, Blogger (the service I use that allows me to create this nonsense) lists blogs they like for whatever reason on a page called...ready for it?...Blogs Of Note.  Bet you thought it would have a different name, huh?  Anyway, since this blog-type-thing has virtually no chance of making it to that page with real blogs of real quality, I have decided I would call it today's blog of note just for me.  And then since it is of note, I decided it would actually have to have a note, hence the middle C thing.  There.  Are we clear?  Can we finally move on, mom?  Good, it's about time.

Today in Reno, and this might be in all of Nevada, but since I am not here to report the news I don't really give a damn about specifics, the legislature (yep, that would mean in all of Nevada) is considering a bill that would make homeless sex offenders register locations where they could be found.  At the present time, they are allowed to say they have no residence, thereby making the requirement to register pretty useless.  So I want to know what there is to consider?  The added cost of changing a form?  Do it.  The way the law is set up currently, someone who was supposed to resgister could just lie about being homeless to get out of it.  Here is a sample conversation for example:
"Hi, my name is Bob & I like to rape little kids.  They want me to register as a sex offender."
"Okay, fill out this form."
"I'm homeless."
"Oh good, one less item in my case load.  Not to worry, only people with homes re-offend.  Not the poor man who sleeps in the doorway of the elementary school.  Have a nice day!"
So obviously that is just a sample conversation and not necessarily what would actually happen.  I did take a little dramatic license.  For example, instead of "Have a nice day!", one may say, "Have a great afternoon!"

Yesterday the Reno Aces Minor League Baseball Team beat the living shit out of the University of Nevada, Reno Wolfpack Baseball Team in an exhibition game.  While this was happening, the state legislature was getting ready to announce another 13.8 million dollars in University budget cuts that would eliminate entire degree programs.  In order to remain a Division 1 school with the NCAA, the University must meet a minimum number of sports offered.  Last time I checked, the University was over by two.  Let me suggest they eliminate the baseball team, since they suck anyway.  In a response to the legislature's recommendations to earlier budget cuts, the University President said it would save between 300K and 700K to eliminate two sports (& I am sure baseball was not one of the sports considered).  In case they have since already eliminated two sports, let me suggest they replace the crappy baseball team with a cheaper sport such as girls cross country running, girls taekwondo, and girls handball.  There, down to 13.1 mill, and no more embarrassing baseball team.  (Not to say I could do any better, but at least I know it.)

So as any of my regular reader(s) should know (hi mom!), I am working again after having walked out of my last job because it was sucking the very life from my soul (much in the same way Reno does as a whole, only more rapidly).  I got a job with a great non-profit organization and got an offer from another company for a full time job this week as well.  I walked out of my last job.  Walked out.  Mid-shift.  I searched for about 2-3 weeks, every weekday doing something to find a job, treating my search like a job itself.  I am already working again, only now for an organization I can stand, in an environment I can stand, with better pay, and...oh yeah, NOBODY SHITS ALL OVER THE PLACE!  Am I bragging here?  No.  I offer this up just to prove that no matter how many times a company may say that in this economy you are just lucky to be working, that doesn't mean you are lucky to be working for THEM.  There ARE better jobs out there for you, and you can find one if you work hard enough for it.  I am sure my resumé looks alot worse than yours does.  I bring this up today because I happened to have found myself over by the Reno Job Connect office (aka unemployment office), where I would go everyday to look for the jobs that only they get wind of, & just like when I was going there, since it was before noon, the parking lot was empty.  Now I know the jobs that are available in this city aren't always the 50K+ a year job you think you're entitled to, and that any job in Reno isn't great because you live in Reno, but if you really and truly want to work, you may want to roll out of bed before noon.

Speaking of rolling out of bed before noon, last night I invested in a humidifier.  Because of the humidifer I slept like a very sleepy thing would have!  I woke up feeling refreshed and alive.  Then I started bleeding profusely from the nose.  Seems as though the 18 months worth of dried out gunk that had encrusted itself onto the walls of my nasal passages had lossened, and just like in lame movies about oil barrons, there was blood!  In Seattle, you do not need to get a humidifier to breathe properly, you just do.  

So with that lovely image of boogers cutting into the thin walls of my nose, I leave you for this day.  

Fare thee well my dear reader(s), & for God's sake, practice that middle C!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Helpful Guide to Online Social Skills

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!  

Because Reno just generally sucks as a place to meet people as the citizens of this town are either too busy being strung out, too poor to go out, too busy cow tipping, too busy cooking meth, too busy being incestual, too busy pickup truck shopping, too busy wishing the South had won the Civil War, too busy secretly donating to the Westboro Baptist Cult, too busy watching their VHS Best of Jerry Springer collection, too busy reliving memories of their appearance on Jerry Springer, or just too scared to meet any people here because most others are doing any of the forementioned activities; I have decided to attempt to do most of my socializing on the series of tubes known as the interwebs.  Since I have been extremely successful in this realm, I thought I would, as a service to my dear reader(s), provide this helpful guide to socializing online so you too can have up to 5 online friends, 1 regular reader of your blog-type-thing who also happens to be your mom, and thousands of networking hours put into making it all come together.

So how do I get to the highest level of success like you have achieved?, you may be asking.  Well, my first tip to you is that you should start a blog-type-thing.  Also known as a web-log-type-thing, an online journal, a venting portal for psychos, or an even geekier version of Doogie Howser's computer diary with a graphical user interface as opposed to a blue DOS type screen.  To make sure you experience the same readership that I achieve, I recommend writing about something nobody cares about (I chose Reno, NV), stray from the topic so you alienate anyone who did want to read about your topic (you can achieve this by writing How-To Guides), show a negative outlook because people always love to feel bad, use a lot of run-on sentences pretending as though commas, will, help, to make your posts more readable, edit your posts as little as possible (I do this by writing all my posts on my phone, so as not to have my mistakes appear on the same screen as the current line I am typing, as well as avoiding the temptation to use spell-check), and just generally go out of your way to make sure anyone who does stumble onto your blog-type-thing doesn't want to come back.  I am sure if you follow my examples, you will have a successful blog-type-thing generating the same level of readership numbers as yours truly.  

Establish a Twitter account.  Don't bother to watch the tutorials or learn about features to make it more fun and interesting, just tweet.  The more random and self-important the thoughts are, the better.  Tweeting jokes you find to be amusing but know aren't truly funny is my most favorite tactic.  Make sure never to respond to anyone's messages should someone actually want to initiate some sort of interaction, as this puts added pressure on you to be thoughtful/fresh/amusing or any other positive quality that, (if you're like me) you know you aren't.  Also, a little public self loathing never hurt.  Just make sure not to cross the line into self-deprecating humor, as this may grant you undersired attention.  
The ace in the hole.  Facebook.  That's right, the granddaddy of them all.  The resistance piece.  If you are not on Facebook, then Mr. Zuckerberg probably isn't too happy with you and is planning on eliminating you once and for all, so even if you are not looking to socialize online, you may just want to break down and estabilsh that account.  Once you have, wait for your old friends to find you, do not try & friend them.  Then through their friends your network may grow into the triple digits, 4 of whom you may actually communicate with on Facebook, and 1 of which you may actually hang out with more than once every two years.  Make sure you constantly start flame-wars on their statuses by thinking of the most controversial, debating-starting comments you can leave.  My personal favorite is to link any status with a stance on abortion.  Here is an example:

Friend's status:  So happy that I got to see my BFF Tiffany today!  What fun!  
My comment:  I am happy for you too!  And Tiffany.  Good thing this is possible because neither of your moms aborted you!  

This is guaranteed to start a fun, lively debate that just may end up with some of your friends deleting you.  This is not bad though, because now you know who your true friends really are.  (Those that didn't see the comment.)  The best part is that you can use this regardless of your stance on abortion.  I like to change mine, sometimes within the same comment thread!  Nothing is more fun online than a good old fashioned debate on abortion!  Everybody wins!  

Well my dear reader(s), I hope I have helped you become a master of online socializing such as myself.  If you are feeling bold, you may want to incorporate these tactics into your offline life as well.  Then you could have two friends and friends of your significant other just like me!  

Until next time, remember that not everybody has to like you, but if you build enough sites they may all have to filter you someday!  

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Missing Seattle

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!
Today's high temperature in Reno was 63 degrees.  At 10:00am.  Since then it has been windy, gloomy, & a little cooler.  Most people are upset that the bright, cancer causing intense sunshine has gone away for the day, but not me.  No, I love this.  It just makes me miss my true home, my soul's happy place of Seattle, WA, USA.  (As opposed to Seattle, WA, Uzbekistan.)
See, as many of you may know (since you are my mom & all) I was born here in Reno, lived most of my life either here or in Sparks (aka East Reno), & then escaped this geographical prison & moved to beautiful Seattle (the US one).  Then something most evil made me decide to move back.  I have never been more convinced that Satan exists until I came back to Reno.  This is my hell, & at this rate I will burn in its dry heat or dry freezer forever.  (No Ziploc freezer bag can save me now.)  But, just to make sure I do not forget about how good I once had it, I get glimpses of weather such as today.  And I miss Seattle even more.  (A single tear now streams down my cheek, the screen blurs, signaling a memory...)
You see, on a day like today I would often stop at one of the many, many excellent coffee shops where I would purchase a white mocha & scone that was not completely dry.  (There is literally no such thing as a moist scone here.  Seriously.)  I would then go to the Ferry Terminal at Edmonds & watch the Ferries come in through the mist.  After a while, I would walk along the beach on the huge driftwood logs, listening to the waves come in and thanking God for allowing me to live in such a beautiful place.  Then I would go home, open a window to allow the cool, fresh, non-polluted air into my home & lungs.  I would then curl up with a good book and relax.  Maybe I would take a nap later, go for a walk, and possibly hit the beach again.  
(Clear screen, snap back to relaity Oh there goes Rabbit he...)  Now in Reno, on a day like today, the choices are a bit different.  Wake up to the sound of abnoxious bass from the upstairs neighbors, walk to the mini-mart for an energy drink (because nobody here can make a good latté), go home, take some ibuprofen to mitigate the headache you are already getting from the same fucking bass line repeated over & over that you will have to hear all day, think about taking a walk but quickly decide not to because you notice the wind has picked up and will blow the sand (yes sand, what is this, Benghazi?!?) into your eyes.  So instead you drive to the library, try to find a good book but end up seeing only Twighlight novels because the only people who read here are 12 year old girls & lonely housewives who fantasize about getting boned by vampires, go home, cry for a while, & drive to one of the many liquor stores to spend your last dollar on a bottle that may help drown your sorrows.  
So because I now know how to post pictures, I decided to post a picture of how today's weather resembles that of my beloved Seattle.  Trained experts in the field will be able to spot 2 key differences.  Since you are not a trained expert in the field, despite what you would like to believe, mom, I have decided to just tell you what they are.  1.  Take note of the tree in the picture.  Notice that there are no leaves or flowers.  In Seattle, there would at least be flowers by now, & most likely leaves.  Here, there will be no flowers, because they will bloom in May just before the week long freeze, when they will all die.  The leaves show up around June, last for 15 days, & then burn to crisps (not English potato chips) in the scorching heat.  2.  The cloud would have been much closer to the ground.  Here they are too high to really feel, so the air is still dry enough to crack your skin until you look like a leper. 
Enough about missing Seattle, I am depressing myself & that isn't the point of my blog-type-thing.  The point of my blog-type-thing is to depress you.  
As some of you may know, I have a Twitter account.   If you'd like, you can follow me on Twitter, just in case this near daily dose of babble isn't enough for you.  (& how could it be?)  I am @drumwrenn.  You can also find me on Facebook.  You can view my LinkedIn profile if you are more professional minded.  You can also find me on the sidewalk if I happen to be walking on the sidewalk at the particular time you go looking for me, & am at the particular stretch of sidewalk where you have chosen.  Failing that I can occasionally be found at a liquor store, or your mom's house.  (Damn!  No he di-n't!)
So until next time dear reader(s), yes, yes I did.  
My next post is one I have been working on for quite some time & unlike this crap, I am very proud of it.  I hope you all are able to read it, as I think the subject matter is of such great importance that it be required reading for the children in our school system.  I promise you that it will be among the more important documents to our democracy, making the founding fathers look like a bunch of ignorant slave holders or something.  So I go to put the finishing touches on it, so that it may be worthy of my other fine posts on this most necessary blog-type-thing.  May you all continue to live free, or die, whatever, far be it from me to tell tou what to do.  Although I will be sad if you choose the latter.  Try living free first, okay?  I would feel guilty otherwise, and that does not make me happy.  Plus, you'd be dead, and so there would be that.  How about this?  Live free.  There.  So I told you what to do and took away your choice.  Big deal.  Can't just let you die.  I do have a conscience.  

Friday, April 1, 2011

Part 3, So You've Failed. Now What?

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

If you are reading this, chances are you are either really bored, have no life, like to read blog-type-things of little informational value, are my mom, or some combination of any of the above.  Or perhaps you were waiting for the exciting conclusion of my 3 Part Master Trilogy On Ways To Stop Unrest.  Or perhaps not.  Either way, you are in for disappointment.  Those of you waiting for Part 3 should have realized that Parts 1 & 2 were just a setup for an elaborate (& unfunny) April Fool's Joke, & those reading this just because they have no life will surely not find one here.  

So this morning I awoke to the sounds of equipment from Valley Concrete on my street, jackhammering away at the sidewalk.  They have been here two days installing wheelchair ramps at the corners.  Now, for the most part, this kind of work does not bother me, especially since the workers have been relatively nice about not completely blocking access to the people who actually use the street.  Today however, I am pissed!  How these people were not psychic enough to know that I slept like crap last night, I have no idea, but they weren't.  Stupid Reno people again, doing work on their timetable instead of automatically adjusting to mine!  

I slept like garbage last night, due mostly to the kitties being little brats, Hannah being congested, or me being congested.  I am not happy about this in the slightest, & intend to write a sternly worded letter to whoever is in charge of this whole sleep thing.  

The weather in Reno is perfect right now, partly cloudy & about 72.  It could snow tomorrow.  No joke, it really could.  If it does, I promise you, I will not rest until this injustice is avenged! know what they say about the weather here...words like temperature, pressure, system, storm, watch, and other big words for them fancy college type folk to sound all smart sayin'.  

I really have nothing much to say today, except I got you!  You thought there would be a part 3 & there wasn't!  Hahahahaha!  I rule!  I lied to you and justified that lie by the fact that I did so on April Fools!  

So until next time dear reader(s), don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me instead because I am a liar and I brag about it.