Monday, March 14, 2011

Job Huntin' & Fishin' with your host, Big Josh

Good evening dear reader(s)!

As many of you may know, I hate my job.  More accurately, I hate the company I work for, the people I work with, the schedule they want me to work, and the computers I am supposed to do the job on.  Because I am employed, get a paycheck, and hate job hunting, I have been reluctant to search elsewhere for employment.  That is...until last night.  

Last night the camels's back broke.  Not because of straw, but because of shit.  Do not adjust your screens, you read that correctly, I said shit.  The S word.  Also known as poop.  

You see, I do not work in the daycare or hospice industry, and there is a reason for that.  My skill set as an employee does not include dealing well with human feces.  So as a Customer Service Representative for a major wireless company, I thought I had made a safe choice in choosing an occupation where coming into contact with human waste of any kind would be simply out of the question.  Last night, I was proven wrong.  Here is the story, unedited (a recurring theme with my blog-type-thing) for your entertainment and informational purposes.  

11:30 am:  I go to work, dreading the fact that I had only one day off with my Hannah, but making up my mind to stay positive and do my best.  Honest.

2:37 pm:  I take my first break and decide to use the restroom.  There is pee on the floor in front of the first urinal.  This does not bother me, as their is ALWAYS pee on the floor in front of the first urinal.  Not drips and misses, somebody deliberately pisses on the floor.  I skillfully avoid the urine, move to the third urinal, take care of business (everyday, takin' care of business, everyway!), WASH MY HANDS, and begin to exit the bathroom.  As I approach the door to leave (paper towel in hand to grab the handle, I've been sick way too much there) I get hit by some idiot slamming open the door on the way in.  He reeks of weed and BO and runs past.  He is a typical co-worker.  I go back to the phones.  

4:42 pm:  I take lunch.  I get food from a nearby fast-food "restaurant" that I really don't want, but failed to bring anything and there is no time for something else.  It doesn't sit right.  I suspect it is uncomfortable in my stomach and would rather be somewhere else.  I am out of time, I return to the phones.

6:12 pm:  Stomach:  Gurgle, gurgle.

6:15 pm:  Stomach:  Gurgle, gurgle, GLUMP!

6:16 pm:  Yes sir, the phones appear to have successfully activated, I just need to make a test call to ensure they are working.

6:16 pm:  Stomach:  Hey Douchebag, I said GLUMP!

6:17 pm:  So that resolves your reason for calling?  (No chance to answer) Great, thank you for calling.

6:18 pm:  Log out, punch out, return to the restroom, dodge pee, look for open stall.  

6:19:  First stall is occupied, second is closed and locked, not occupied?  Third stall is the only one open.  Shit in the bowl, no problem, I can flush that, but...shit on the seat!  A large amount.  I vomit a small amount, yet even from a standing position, somehow I manage to make it into the bowl.  Stomach:  GLUMP!!

6:20-something (I am not tracking time at this point.)  I have managed to cover the seat with 7 or 8 layers of toilet paper as my cheap-ass employer does not provide ass-gaskets for the restrooms, and am hovering above the seat attempting to clear out my digestive issues.  My attempts are unsuccessful.  I hear the person in the first stall flush.  He leaves the bathroom.  He does not wash his hands.  I am not surprised by this.  I abort the attempt, kick flush, and WASH MY HANDS.

6:32 pm:  I return to the phones, clocking back in late, stomach still making all kinds of noises I choose to ignore.  If stomach doesn't want to empty, stomach can wait.

7:00 pm:  I take note of the fact that I have only one more hour remaining on my shift and quietly rejoice.  My stomach appears to have calmed and I am looking forward to coming home to a nice warm bed.  

7:38 pm:  I am sweating.  Stomach:  GURGLE, GURGLE, GLUMP, MMMM-DROP!  

7:39 pm:  Log out, clock out, return to the restroom.  It was "cleaned" at 7:30, so the piss seems to have been pushed around the floor and now there is no avoiding it.  I take a little comfort in the thought that at least it is diluted.  I sit down in the 2nd stall, now open, which appears clean, (still covering the seat with toilet paper), and mercifully, the contents of my stomah proceed to leave my body.  As this is occurring, someone enters the bathroom, occupies the first stall, does his business (loudly, and with a very noxious odor that rivals my sick), flushes, and exits the bathroom without washing his hands.  I finish up, flush, WASH MY HANDS, exit the bathroom, return to the phones for the final 5 minutes of my shift, and decide that I can no longer work in this cesspool.  I have been sick more times during my few months tenure with this organization, then the rest of my working life COMBINED!  

So this morning I wake up ready to go look for jobs before going to work.  It is bright and early and I am ready to get going!  My stomach however, is most certainly not.  Or actually it is.  I get sick up top, I get sick below.  My stomach is bi-polar, and unlike Sheen, I am bi-losing.  Was it what I ate the day before?  Is it where I work?  Do I care at this point?  I call in sick to work.  I spend the rest of the day applying for jobs online.  

I have a few rules when applying for jobs online.  First rule is that if the job wants me to apply using Taleo, I won't do it unless it is a GREAT sounding job.  Just setting up profiles for that site can take the entire time you set aside for applying to all the jobs on your list.  Experienced hunters know that the best jobs are the ones that take little more than your resume, and let PEOPLE decide on the rest.  Second rule is never to underestimate the importance of a good set of camo waders.  Just kidding.  Actually, the second rule is never to bother clicking on jobs that are listed Nationwide or Work From Home.  If you believe these jobs are legitimate, then I need you to send me your account number, SSN, and date of birth so I can directly deposit your Nigerian lottery winnings.  Third rule is to apply to any job anywhere close to your skill level.  If they are seeking someone with 5 years experience in the detailed description and you only have 3, go for it.  This may seem like it would upset a potential employer, but usually when I am searching I use a job site that filters by my experience level.  If they are too stupid to put their add in the right category, then they deserve to wade through thousands of unqualified applications.  Fourth rule, always have a resume available for upload to blind adds, scams, data collectors or other non-jobs in LOLCAT speak.  (I haz teh bestestmost skillz at noms.)  This not only gives these spamsters a taste of their own medicine, it is a great way to break up the monotony of a long day of waiting for the right job to come along that you can take a shot at.  Fifth rule is to know your calls.  An elk call is completely different than what you would use for an HR Manager, and may even drive it away.  

Well my dear reader(s), I should go because my stomach is telling me to.

Until next time, happy hunting and be safe!


  1. I hate Taleo too but if the job is right it's worth putting in the time. It seems that most major corporations use that system now.

  2. Seems to me that people's stomachs are starting to uprise. It might be a nationwide revolt.