Friday, March 25, 2011

Hot August Nights Reno Sparks, not to be confused with Hot August Nights

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

As many of you may be aware, the United States is currently involved in 3 military operations (undeclared wars) in the Middle East.  Now I don't know about you, but I think it has become quite clear that I am tired of hearing about them, and hope that some celebrity does something outrageous to lighten the mood a little.  Where is the F-18 known as Charlie Sheen when you need him?

In other news, Japan is still suffering from the earthquake and subsequent nuclear crisis that has been going on since March 11th.  I think the world really needs to step up to the plate and assist Japan with getting this story over with so we can make fun of celebrities again.  It has been 11 days already, okay Japan?  
And you Lybia, your uprising has gone on over a month now.  Time to let someone else have a bit of the limelight okay?  Your 15 minutes are a bit past right now, wouldn't you say?  
I am not trying to make fun of these situations, I am just looking for stories that are acceptable to make fun of, & I can't do it when all I hear about are things that can cook the Afflac duck.  (& I don't mean the radiation).

The media is making it out to be The End Times & people are becoming so overly sensitive that it makes a Hugh Grant or Julia Roberts movie look callous.

If we are all about to die, I suggest we party like it is 2011.  Because it is, and some freaks say the world will end in 2012, and despite the fact that it does not rhyme as well as 1999 did, obviously Y2K wasn't a big deal and Prince had it wrong, or we slipped into one of his dreams because he was dreaming when he wrote it.  I still haven't excused him for going too fast, though.  There is no excuse for that.  

So I am thinking that our own Reno City Council is convinced that the world will end in 2012.  That seems to be the only rational explanation why they are considering creating an alternate Hot August Nights event to compete with the existing Hot August Nights event that is known, organized, endorsed by many car clubs, and seems to be intelligent enough to realize that Reno is a sh_thole and even the LBC is better than us.  So if the Reno version event falls on its butt, at least nobody will be around to complain about how horrible it was come 2013.  

Now many of you probably already know that I have not been such a fan of Hot August Nights for a few years now.  To me it has become one big traffic hassle with a bunch of drunk idiots driving the same old cars that they bring every year and absolutley nothing more entertaining than seeing a perfectly restored 1950s or 60s automobile with a good sized dent from a DUI fender-bender they got into with another perfectly restored 1950s or 60s automobile all while the cops pretend not to see.  

Now as entertaining as that may seem, it has become too common.  I am thinking that if Reno truly does want to put on its own version of Hot August Nights, it should include the following features:
1.  Demolition Derby for Drunks.  This event is just as it sounds.  It can be held every night at about 10, in one of the casino parking lots that feed these moronic tourists all the alcohol to begin with.  It would consist of some cones for a track to drive around, barriers on the outside to prevent innocents from being killed, a requirement that the cars driven must be registered for the parade, and each driver must blow at least a .08 to qualify.
2.  Gas Gouge Rip-off Run.  Whoever turns in the most expensive per gallon gas receipt during or within 3 days of event closing wins a prize.  Maybe a free gallon of gas, although that may be too much for organizers to cover.
3.  The Sock Hop.  Where participants can dance the night away to Golden Oldies in the clothing styles of the 50s provided they have their Life Alert pendants on.  (Seriously though, this is one of the few non-car centric events that was scrapped when it became all about cars and the casinos.  They really should bring this one back if the event continues.)
4.  Ultimate Fighting Rumble.  All the people into MMA can dress up like Greasers or Soc's (or Sharks vs Jets if you prefer) and then streetfight each other.  Choreography is welcome but not mandatory. 
5.  Segregation.  Many of the affluent white tourists who come to Hot August Nights with cars they have sunk tens of thousands of dollars into & even more on gasoline are really just attempting to buy a time machine to take them back to what was a simpler time in their minds?  Well Reno, if you really want them to come back year after year, why not give them the simpler time they desire by keeping the colored folk away.  While we are at it, let's make sure all the women are cooking them meals that week.  We could even restart the cold war!  Ahhh, nostalgia!  

Or here's an idea, we can accept the fact that we can't even keep our roads together for our residents, let alone for people with near fortunes sunk into the cars they would want to drive on those roads.  We can realize that money thrown into this event could instead be used to prevent the 8% sewer fee hike that Reno is seeking.  We could realize that oil is a very finite resource and so perhaps we should not invite a bunch of outdated gas-guzzlers into town to further raise expenses for the residents struggling to fill their own gas tanks in order to lead their daily lives.  We could let go of the notion that the past was a simpler time when life was better.  And instead of looking to August each year as a way of attempting to keep this Utopian version of the past going, we can use that time to find something that will carry this town into the future.  My name is Josh Wrenn, & I approve this message. 

Please let Councilman Dave Aiazzi know that until Reno can afford to pay the basic services a city should provide, it should not pay to put on an event that will compete with another event that is choosing another city because Reno has allowed itself to become a bad place to hold it.

If I had a car-focused event and saw the condition of our roads the last few years, or the grime on the sidewalks, or the boarded-up buildings on the Main Drag (required 50s term) I was parading my cars through, I would go somewhere else too.  

So with that my dear reader(s), I think it is time to go.  I don't want to get myself so worked up that I (Gasp!) attend a City Council Meeting to voice my opposition or anything psycho like that.  

Until next time my dear reader(s), remember the Alamo.  Particularly if you are heading East on I-80 out of town, are in a truck, and need to stop.  It is there, so remember it.  

1 comment:

  1. While I may not be a celebrity; I am known to make things interesting. :)