Thursday, March 31, 2011

Part 2, Advanced Tactics

Good evening dear reader(s)!

So in part 1 of my 3 part Master Trilogy, I offered some tips to help stop unrest.  I am hoping (against the wishes of freedom loving people everywhere) that the tips I provided helped to quell the unrest in your particular area.  If not, I would like to now discuss some more advanced tactics that may help turn the tide.  

Regrade the bottom of your riverbed to make a kayak park so your citizens will have something fun to do.  Even if the vast majority of your citizens do not kayak, watching other kayakers on a beautiful day will instantly calm unrest.  How do I know this?  Well my dear reader(s), I was walking down Virginia Street here in Reno, marveling at all of the closed buildings, hookers, panhandlers, and the Reno Arch, and a steady stream of cuss words starting flowing from my mouth describing to no one in particular the way my home city has been allowed to die.  I was most definitely experiencing unrest.  Then I made it to the river, where I was greeted with the sight of kids being instructed on how to river kayak on our little Truckee River.  My unrest vanished, & I thought about how the decision to make a kayak terrain park in the center of our river, in the center of downtown was maybe not the best economic decision ever, but at least it was calming.  And then it hit me.  The Reno kayak park is Soma.  Even more effective on calming the populous than plying them with 24 hours of steady cheap alcohol!  Now, this tactic is not for beginners, in order to duplicate this result you must first have a river, & second, you must be confident in your ability to convince your subjects, er...citizens, that the project is not a waste of money that could better be directed elsewhere.  The last thing you want to do is cause unrest with your unrest prevention projects.  

Promise to resign in the near future provided someone with the ability to lead in your place steps forward, then take back said promise identifying the unrest as the reason you can't resign.  This is near failsafe, especially when confronting a disorganized group of unresters with no clear leadership.  

Shore up support from your armed forces.  This is best accomplished by executing those you believe may one day become disloyal to you, and by presenting those who you have chosen to spare with lavish gifts and perceived power.  Remember, perception can be the difference between international condemnation and a UN Resolution, so hire a good PR firm to help you through this.  

Well my dear reader(s), I hope these advanced tactics have finally stopped the unrest in your nation.  Now you may want to stop your own unrest.  Try reading a book, getting a massage/happy ending from a member of your harem, invest in a sleep mask, and forget the worries of the day.  You've been busy securing your power, and deserve a good night's sleep.  

Be sure to tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of my 3 part series...So you failed, what now?  

In the meantime, remember that all the world's a stage, and they are merely traitors and Al Qaida sympathizers with Western support despite the fact that the West and Al Qaida kinda don't get along too well, what with that pesky 9-11 thing.  Nutjob.

Please to enjoy the picture of the river if I did this right.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Helpful Tips to Stop Unrest Part 1 of 3

Good morning dear reader(s)!

As I have been posting here for a short while now, I have been meaning to do a blog-type-thing with helpful suggestions that may improve the lives (life) of my reader(s) based on my expertise (which I do not have) as a way to give back.  After careful consideration, I have decided to offer these suggestions instead.  

And so I present to you, in spectacular HTML-O-Vision™, Part 1 of my 3 Part Series (or Master Trilogy, if you will)...Helpful Tips to Stop Unrest

1.  Eliminate stressors from your population.  This can be done by providing self-determination, economic prosperity, and a fair system of guidelines and rules while allowing your citizens the freedom to work within those guidelines to accomplish the task at hand.  A study of US workers shows those with the most stress tend to be those who are micro-managed, and there is growing anecdotal evidence to suggest the same applies to people whose lives are micro-managed outside of the job as well.  In short, nobody likes feeling as if they live under a dictator, even if that is how you have chosen to set up your government.  If your nation is not ready for self-determiniation, sometimes providing the illusion of freedom can be just as effective to reduce stress.

2.  Establish and stick to a routine.  Unrest often occurs because people's internal body clocks take a while to adjust to being awake at different times, especially when the times differ from a standard sleep cycle.  So hold your public executions during daylight hours, no matter how tempting it may be to kill your enemies immediately.  This will not only allow your citizens to get used to the routine, it will have the unintended benefit of increasing turnout, so more of your citizens can be reminded of what can happen when there is too much unrest.  

3.  Mitigate unrest factors when things must be done outside of the normal routine.  Living in a 24 hour town such as Reno, I know all too well that life does not stop when the sun goes down.  The asshole upstairs neighbors play their crappy bass and accordian music, the hookers and meth dealers shout at each other down the street, the cops shine their spotlights into windows, and numerous other factors that can cause unrest at night.  Just as in your nation, your citizens may have to deal with your "security forces" storming into their homes, bombs, abductions, rape, etc...  Understanding that these actions are less effective when part of a routine, I am not suggesting that you completely abolish these activities for the sake of preventing unrest in your nation.  However, there are things you can do to mitigate the unrest causing factors.  For example, offer blackout curtains so your citizens do not have to see the flash from the explosions of coallition bombs dropping nearby.  This will also add an unitended benefit of preventing your citizens from being able to see your "security forces" coming for them until they are already in their homes.  Also, when shooting people at night, have your "security forces" use silencers.  This will allow nearby neighbors to continue to rest.  Don't worry, waking up the next day to find their neighbors' bodies laying out in front of their homes will have far more impact than hearing shots in the night.  

4.  Medication.  While some people resist turning to medication to quell unrest, I believe that it can be one of the more effective tools, when properly applied.  Reno has been a pioneer in this field, offering a steady stream of a depressant medication known as alcohol to its residents for some time now.  This alcohol, when taken in large enough quantities, can actually cause some people to stop their unrest, right against the side of a buliding or in a gutter on the street.  Reno's "security forces" have also found that it is much more difficult for potential coordinated demonstrations of unrest to occur when organized by people who are regularly medicated with alcohol.  In nations where alcohol is forbidden due to religious and/or cultural beliefs, there are plenty of other unrest stopping medicines that can be put right into the food or water supply so your citizens do not have to lose more rest being concerned about such minor details as side-effects and death.  In moderate cases of unrest, medications such as ambien can be effective, ranging all the way to cyanide for more extreme unrest.  

Well my dear reader(s), this will conclude Part 1.  Be sure to visit in a couple days for Part 2, Advanced Tactics.  

Until next time, be safe out there.  

Monday, March 28, 2011

There Is No Biggest Little in Atrocity, But There Is City

Good evening dear reader(s)!

In case you have not been keeping up with my blog-type-thing (& why would you?), I should start this particular post off by reminding everyone that I do not really like living in Reno.  (Yes, it is true.  You may take a moment to allow that to sink in if you must.)  Lately I have started to realize that my intense hatred for this town does not end with this town.  It is a broader, more generously shared hatred (You're welcome.) for the entire Reno way of thinking regardless of geographic location.  And so my dear reader(s), I am officially announcing that Reno is no longer just the Biggest Little City in the World (at least in Northern Nevada), but has actually become a state of mind.  

Now I know some of you may be asking yourself, "Does this mean you will stop making fun of Reno?"  Well mom, no.  I have a duty to make fun of Reno until they pry me from its cold, dead streets.  (Or blistering hot, dead streets if it is Summer).  What this means, is that I can take my fight against Reno across the globe!  My ever expanding army of voices in my head are ready to pursue those who fight for Reno wherever they may hide.  We shall treat the nations that support and give aid to Reno as though they are Reno themselves!  We'll smoke 'em out of their hiding spots.  Bring it on!

As many of you know, Reno has been trying and failing to attract businesses that will boost the economy for years.  The methods that Reno has been employing (& refuses to move away from, despite decades of failure) are as follows:  Keep the minimum wage as low as possible.  Do not make businesses pay taxes.  Approve any plans a business brings before government, regardless of how ridiculous the plan may be.  Refuse to enforce labor laws.  Subsidise the businesses when their ridiculous plans inevitably fail.  Cut government services that do not directly benefit the balance sheet of area businesses.  Cut education.  Make it crystal clear to the workforce that despite laws, enforcement of those laws in this "Right to Work State" is not going to happen, so they should feel lucky to even have their job that pays below the cost of living.  Rinse.  Repeat.  

These practices have been a massive failure to the people of Reno, to the government coffers, and all but a select group of unscrupulous companies who have no qualms about taking advantage of a workforce too desperate to walk away from these government sanctioned sweat shops.  The officers of these companies have made fortunes off the backs of their hard working employees, but the overall system has failed miserably and the economy overall has been in a downward spiral since this tactic become standard operating procedure.  

If this wasn't bad enough, it seems as though the Reno way of thinking is sweeping across the nation.  Ever since the "Economic Crash of 2008", corporations, in collusion with government officials, have claimed that they can not afford to pay their employees living wages, to hire more employees, to maintain a US workforce, to manufacture their products in America, and to pay taxes to the government that has allowed them to become prosperous in the first place.  These corporations were initially chartered in America, but now are only as American as their names.  And of course, everything they are claiming, is a bald-faced (Is a bearded lie better?) lie aimed at allowing the officers and executives of these companies to make obscene amounts of money at the expense of the workers and economy of America.  Essentially, they have seen what the Reno mindset has done for their peers in the high desert, & now they want a slice of the pie in places more hospitable to build their stately manors.  Here is how their game works:  They take advantage of the American economic system of loosley regulated capitalism to build a brand.  Once the brand is built, they go shopping overseas for the cheapest labor they can find.  They then divide their companies into different subsidiaries, so they can headquarter those subsidiaries in tax-friendly nations.  Working off of the American name and brand they established, they sell their wares to the American consumer who is unaware of the fact that they have been sold out.  They also target emerging markets where the indivudual may not consume as much, but because of a much higher population in that nation, that market may consume even more than America.  Through creative accounting, they shift any profits to the foreign subsidiary, thus allowing them to escape paying taxes to the only nation on Earth that would have allowed the company to grow so large.  They then get to claim that the American segments of the company are losing money, allowing them to get more productivity from each employee, allowing them to freeze wages, allowing them to create a level of fear in their employees that causes the employees to voluntarily give up pay and benefits already negotiated, just for the hope they may keep their job.  As the cheap labor economies that they exploit grow, so does the consumption of those economies, and with more people that America, even a modest rise in the consumption level of each individual translates into large gains for the companies that are now selling the goods.  Now the foreign subsidiaries really are making the larger profit, and the American worker and American economy are left behind.  The company makes record profits, all off of the backs of the workers and country that made them.  This is not opinion, this is fact.  In 2010 profits for "American" companies increased by 36%.  This is the largest increase in profits from the previous year since 1950.  Now where do you think the median income has gone during 2010?  How many city and state governments saw their budgets boost with the increased revenue from all this profit?  And so, because of Reno, we're all screwed.  That's right, Reno has destroyed the entire American middle class.  And don't forget, Reno also hates puppies!

The voices in my head have come to the conclusion that the only way we as Americans can fight the Renoization of this country is to stand up to these companies by not consuming their goods, by not going to work in the lousy jobs they choose to retain here, & by letting them know that we know they are not really American companies & will not support them as long as they choose not to support America.  In other words, we need to quit being afraid and stop allowing ourselves to be used just because we think we have to have luxury items like food, shelter, clothing, etc...  I took the step of starting this revolution about a week and a half ago by walking out of the crappy job that I had, and since I have not yet been evicted, have not yet had my power shut off, and have not yet been thrown in debtor's prison I have never been happier with a decision I've made.  (I will let you know next week if I still feel the same, once I am evicted, my power gets shut off, and I am thrown in debtor's prison.)  Because I can not fight this revolution on my own, (even with the "humanitarian air support" of the voices in my head), I am asking you to be brave, and stand up to your corporate masters.  Quit your jobs!  Make these companies fail.  Stop paying your bills!  When they come to take you from your homes, fight them!  We will have an army of millions of homeless people on the streets, fighting to save our democracy from the corporations that have stolen its power!  Um, I mean, just kidding FBI and Department of Homeland Security (sponsored by GE), we love our American companies and would never resist their ever expanding reach into our freedom.  (Wink-wink.)

Well my dear reader(s), the Chief of Staff of the Ever Expanding Army of Voices In My Head has informed me that I may have revealed too much and I should probably end my remarks at this time.  

So with that I say, "The revoltuion will be televised but you most likely can't afford the TV to watch it on, & if you can, you will have to pay your cable or satellite provider the pay-per-view fee which kind of goes against the whole point of an anti-corporate movement, now doesn't it?"  

By the way, this post was written on my phone using AT&T's service, which many of you know is a very small, independent, mom & pop, business, struggling to keep communications in the hands of the people.  God bless you AT&T, and may you succeed in your goal to provide great service at the lowest possible prices and unfettered access for all!  

Friday, March 25, 2011

Hot August Nights Reno Sparks, not to be confused with Hot August Nights

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

As many of you may be aware, the United States is currently involved in 3 military operations (undeclared wars) in the Middle East.  Now I don't know about you, but I think it has become quite clear that I am tired of hearing about them, and hope that some celebrity does something outrageous to lighten the mood a little.  Where is the F-18 known as Charlie Sheen when you need him?

In other news, Japan is still suffering from the earthquake and subsequent nuclear crisis that has been going on since March 11th.  I think the world really needs to step up to the plate and assist Japan with getting this story over with so we can make fun of celebrities again.  It has been 11 days already, okay Japan?  
And you Lybia, your uprising has gone on over a month now.  Time to let someone else have a bit of the limelight okay?  Your 15 minutes are a bit past right now, wouldn't you say?  
I am not trying to make fun of these situations, I am just looking for stories that are acceptable to make fun of, & I can't do it when all I hear about are things that can cook the Afflac duck.  (& I don't mean the radiation).

The media is making it out to be The End Times & people are becoming so overly sensitive that it makes a Hugh Grant or Julia Roberts movie look callous.

If we are all about to die, I suggest we party like it is 2011.  Because it is, and some freaks say the world will end in 2012, and despite the fact that it does not rhyme as well as 1999 did, obviously Y2K wasn't a big deal and Prince had it wrong, or we slipped into one of his dreams because he was dreaming when he wrote it.  I still haven't excused him for going too fast, though.  There is no excuse for that.  

So I am thinking that our own Reno City Council is convinced that the world will end in 2012.  That seems to be the only rational explanation why they are considering creating an alternate Hot August Nights event to compete with the existing Hot August Nights event that is known, organized, endorsed by many car clubs, and seems to be intelligent enough to realize that Reno is a sh_thole and even the LBC is better than us.  So if the Reno version event falls on its butt, at least nobody will be around to complain about how horrible it was come 2013.  

Now many of you probably already know that I have not been such a fan of Hot August Nights for a few years now.  To me it has become one big traffic hassle with a bunch of drunk idiots driving the same old cars that they bring every year and absolutley nothing more entertaining than seeing a perfectly restored 1950s or 60s automobile with a good sized dent from a DUI fender-bender they got into with another perfectly restored 1950s or 60s automobile all while the cops pretend not to see.  

Now as entertaining as that may seem, it has become too common.  I am thinking that if Reno truly does want to put on its own version of Hot August Nights, it should include the following features:
1.  Demolition Derby for Drunks.  This event is just as it sounds.  It can be held every night at about 10, in one of the casino parking lots that feed these moronic tourists all the alcohol to begin with.  It would consist of some cones for a track to drive around, barriers on the outside to prevent innocents from being killed, a requirement that the cars driven must be registered for the parade, and each driver must blow at least a .08 to qualify.
2.  Gas Gouge Rip-off Run.  Whoever turns in the most expensive per gallon gas receipt during or within 3 days of event closing wins a prize.  Maybe a free gallon of gas, although that may be too much for organizers to cover.
3.  The Sock Hop.  Where participants can dance the night away to Golden Oldies in the clothing styles of the 50s provided they have their Life Alert pendants on.  (Seriously though, this is one of the few non-car centric events that was scrapped when it became all about cars and the casinos.  They really should bring this one back if the event continues.)
4.  Ultimate Fighting Rumble.  All the people into MMA can dress up like Greasers or Soc's (or Sharks vs Jets if you prefer) and then streetfight each other.  Choreography is welcome but not mandatory. 
5.  Segregation.  Many of the affluent white tourists who come to Hot August Nights with cars they have sunk tens of thousands of dollars into & even more on gasoline are really just attempting to buy a time machine to take them back to what was a simpler time in their minds?  Well Reno, if you really want them to come back year after year, why not give them the simpler time they desire by keeping the colored folk away.  While we are at it, let's make sure all the women are cooking them meals that week.  We could even restart the cold war!  Ahhh, nostalgia!  

Or here's an idea, we can accept the fact that we can't even keep our roads together for our residents, let alone for people with near fortunes sunk into the cars they would want to drive on those roads.  We can realize that money thrown into this event could instead be used to prevent the 8% sewer fee hike that Reno is seeking.  We could realize that oil is a very finite resource and so perhaps we should not invite a bunch of outdated gas-guzzlers into town to further raise expenses for the residents struggling to fill their own gas tanks in order to lead their daily lives.  We could let go of the notion that the past was a simpler time when life was better.  And instead of looking to August each year as a way of attempting to keep this Utopian version of the past going, we can use that time to find something that will carry this town into the future.  My name is Josh Wrenn, & I approve this message. 

Please let Councilman Dave Aiazzi know that until Reno can afford to pay the basic services a city should provide, it should not pay to put on an event that will compete with another event that is choosing another city because Reno has allowed itself to become a bad place to hold it.

If I had a car-focused event and saw the condition of our roads the last few years, or the grime on the sidewalks, or the boarded-up buildings on the Main Drag (required 50s term) I was parading my cars through, I would go somewhere else too.  

So with that my dear reader(s), I think it is time to go.  I don't want to get myself so worked up that I (Gasp!) attend a City Council Meeting to voice my opposition or anything psycho like that.  

Until next time my dear reader(s), remember the Alamo.  Particularly if you are heading East on I-80 out of town, are in a truck, and need to stop.  It is there, so remember it.  

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The definitive blog-type-thing ever written on this day by me!

Good early morning (night for normal people) my dear reader(s)!

I had a fantastic day today!  I woke up, got my herr did (haircut for normal people), went to a St. Patrick's Day party, had great food (especially the jelly, cream cheese, pie crust-type-things), went to go see Ed Kowalczyc (formerly of Live), & just had a lot of fun!  This is important to know, because I could use all the fun I can get with all that has happened this week.

On Wednesday the 16th, at approximately 4:45 pm, I made the decision to voluntarily terminate my employment with the company I have been working for since August.  I can happily say that I left with no drama, merely wrote out a nice letter of resignation, decided it wasn't necessary to give notice, and left with a smile on my face.  I hold no ill will toward them, but sometimes a given job, or rather a given company just isn't the proper fit.  Particularly when that company is being run by a revolving door of thugs that would be too unprofessional for a 50 Cent video.

Regular reader(s) of my blog-type-thing will notice that I do not name this company because I do not believe in publicly bashing a current or former employer, but also because there is only one company in Reno I could work for with a reputation so bad, that if you read how much I hated working for them you can probably deduce who it was.  

So hopefully another employer will give me a chance to take my skills and abilities and put them to use for a company intelligent enough to know how to spell skills.

Okay, I know I usually have a segment in these blog-type-things wherin I bash Reno, but I actually have to give a little credit to the Biggest Little Ghetto In The World tonight.  "Why would I possibly do such a thing?" I pretend you would ask at this point if you were actually reading.  
"Simple," I would respond had you asked, "because no other city has hotels and casinos so desperate for business that they would give away two tickets to a great show simply because you got a room at their property once and gave them your email address!"  Because of Reno's desperation, I got to see a great show tonight!  And to think some people think that appearing desperate is a bad thing!  The only complaint I had about the show tonight is that Reno crowds suck!  We know you know the songs, because you only cheered at the start of the radio hits.  So the next time the performer asks you to sing along to them, sing along.  Believe me, you singing will not make you look like more of an idiot than your permed mullet, Ed Hardy shirt, and skinny jeans already has.  

So how about them Bighorns?  Huh?  Playoffs baby!  Oh.  You don't care either.  Okay.  Nevermind.  I don't mean to bash on them too hard, but I remember better basketball when watching Dilworth versus Sparks games in 8th grade!  At least they didn't have to play music during actual gameplay to keep the crowd from dozing off.  What this town really needs is semi-pro football!  Yeah!  Because semi-pro baseball and semi-pro basketball have done wonders for the economy.  All the tourists who leave their towns with semi-pro or pro sports teams to see our semi-pro teams...  Wait, our semi-pro teams don't draw a lot of tourists to the area?  You mean it is mostly locals spending money for tickets instead of elsewhere in town resulting in a redistribution of the same money?  Wait, then how does that help the economy?  Oh, it doesn't.  I understand now.  Could be worse, they could have built a bowling stadium that mostly sits empty all of the time.  Oh yeah, they did.

I can't wait to leave here, but honestly, I do have fun bitching about it all the time.  I hope that when I do finally escape this high-desert, smoke-filled, toothless, strung-out, inbred, white-trash, redneck, prison that the few people I know here intelligent enough to use a computer or other means of communication (besides hollerin') will keep me informed on all the things that I love to make fun of so much.  Sure, there may be things to make fun of in other cities, but Reno makes the process so effortless.

Well my dear reader(s), either I am getting tired or the twitching in my eye is a sign of impending schizophrenia.  But either way, I suppose it would be best to go now.

So until next time, "No, my reader(s) are my friends (or mom as the case may be), why would they want to hurt me?  You really think the foil hat will stop them from burrowing into my thoughts?  Okay, couldn't hurt I guess.  Good dog." 

Monday, March 14, 2011

Job Huntin' & Fishin' with your host, Big Josh

Good evening dear reader(s)!

As many of you may know, I hate my job.  More accurately, I hate the company I work for, the people I work with, the schedule they want me to work, and the computers I am supposed to do the job on.  Because I am employed, get a paycheck, and hate job hunting, I have been reluctant to search elsewhere for employment.  That is...until last night.  

Last night the camels's back broke.  Not because of straw, but because of shit.  Do not adjust your screens, you read that correctly, I said shit.  The S word.  Also known as poop.  

You see, I do not work in the daycare or hospice industry, and there is a reason for that.  My skill set as an employee does not include dealing well with human feces.  So as a Customer Service Representative for a major wireless company, I thought I had made a safe choice in choosing an occupation where coming into contact with human waste of any kind would be simply out of the question.  Last night, I was proven wrong.  Here is the story, unedited (a recurring theme with my blog-type-thing) for your entertainment and informational purposes.  

11:30 am:  I go to work, dreading the fact that I had only one day off with my Hannah, but making up my mind to stay positive and do my best.  Honest.

2:37 pm:  I take my first break and decide to use the restroom.  There is pee on the floor in front of the first urinal.  This does not bother me, as their is ALWAYS pee on the floor in front of the first urinal.  Not drips and misses, somebody deliberately pisses on the floor.  I skillfully avoid the urine, move to the third urinal, take care of business (everyday, takin' care of business, everyway!), WASH MY HANDS, and begin to exit the bathroom.  As I approach the door to leave (paper towel in hand to grab the handle, I've been sick way too much there) I get hit by some idiot slamming open the door on the way in.  He reeks of weed and BO and runs past.  He is a typical co-worker.  I go back to the phones.  

4:42 pm:  I take lunch.  I get food from a nearby fast-food "restaurant" that I really don't want, but failed to bring anything and there is no time for something else.  It doesn't sit right.  I suspect it is uncomfortable in my stomach and would rather be somewhere else.  I am out of time, I return to the phones.

6:12 pm:  Stomach:  Gurgle, gurgle.

6:15 pm:  Stomach:  Gurgle, gurgle, GLUMP!

6:16 pm:  Yes sir, the phones appear to have successfully activated, I just need to make a test call to ensure they are working.

6:16 pm:  Stomach:  Hey Douchebag, I said GLUMP!

6:17 pm:  So that resolves your reason for calling?  (No chance to answer) Great, thank you for calling.

6:18 pm:  Log out, punch out, return to the restroom, dodge pee, look for open stall.  

6:19:  First stall is occupied, second is closed and locked, not occupied?  Third stall is the only one open.  Shit in the bowl, no problem, I can flush that, but...shit on the seat!  A large amount.  I vomit a small amount, yet even from a standing position, somehow I manage to make it into the bowl.  Stomach:  GLUMP!!

6:20-something (I am not tracking time at this point.)  I have managed to cover the seat with 7 or 8 layers of toilet paper as my cheap-ass employer does not provide ass-gaskets for the restrooms, and am hovering above the seat attempting to clear out my digestive issues.  My attempts are unsuccessful.  I hear the person in the first stall flush.  He leaves the bathroom.  He does not wash his hands.  I am not surprised by this.  I abort the attempt, kick flush, and WASH MY HANDS.

6:32 pm:  I return to the phones, clocking back in late, stomach still making all kinds of noises I choose to ignore.  If stomach doesn't want to empty, stomach can wait.

7:00 pm:  I take note of the fact that I have only one more hour remaining on my shift and quietly rejoice.  My stomach appears to have calmed and I am looking forward to coming home to a nice warm bed.  

7:38 pm:  I am sweating.  Stomach:  GURGLE, GURGLE, GLUMP, MMMM-DROP!  

7:39 pm:  Log out, clock out, return to the restroom.  It was "cleaned" at 7:30, so the piss seems to have been pushed around the floor and now there is no avoiding it.  I take a little comfort in the thought that at least it is diluted.  I sit down in the 2nd stall, now open, which appears clean, (still covering the seat with toilet paper), and mercifully, the contents of my stomah proceed to leave my body.  As this is occurring, someone enters the bathroom, occupies the first stall, does his business (loudly, and with a very noxious odor that rivals my sick), flushes, and exits the bathroom without washing his hands.  I finish up, flush, WASH MY HANDS, exit the bathroom, return to the phones for the final 5 minutes of my shift, and decide that I can no longer work in this cesspool.  I have been sick more times during my few months tenure with this organization, then the rest of my working life COMBINED!  

So this morning I wake up ready to go look for jobs before going to work.  It is bright and early and I am ready to get going!  My stomach however, is most certainly not.  Or actually it is.  I get sick up top, I get sick below.  My stomach is bi-polar, and unlike Sheen, I am bi-losing.  Was it what I ate the day before?  Is it where I work?  Do I care at this point?  I call in sick to work.  I spend the rest of the day applying for jobs online.  

I have a few rules when applying for jobs online.  First rule is that if the job wants me to apply using Taleo, I won't do it unless it is a GREAT sounding job.  Just setting up profiles for that site can take the entire time you set aside for applying to all the jobs on your list.  Experienced hunters know that the best jobs are the ones that take little more than your resume, and let PEOPLE decide on the rest.  Second rule is never to underestimate the importance of a good set of camo waders.  Just kidding.  Actually, the second rule is never to bother clicking on jobs that are listed Nationwide or Work From Home.  If you believe these jobs are legitimate, then I need you to send me your account number, SSN, and date of birth so I can directly deposit your Nigerian lottery winnings.  Third rule is to apply to any job anywhere close to your skill level.  If they are seeking someone with 5 years experience in the detailed description and you only have 3, go for it.  This may seem like it would upset a potential employer, but usually when I am searching I use a job site that filters by my experience level.  If they are too stupid to put their add in the right category, then they deserve to wade through thousands of unqualified applications.  Fourth rule, always have a resume available for upload to blind adds, scams, data collectors or other non-jobs in LOLCAT speak.  (I haz teh bestestmost skillz at noms.)  This not only gives these spamsters a taste of their own medicine, it is a great way to break up the monotony of a long day of waiting for the right job to come along that you can take a shot at.  Fifth rule is to know your calls.  An elk call is completely different than what you would use for an HR Manager, and may even drive it away.  

Well my dear reader(s), I should go because my stomach is telling me to.

Until next time, happy hunting and be safe!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Charlie Sheen for Mayor!

Good Afternoon dear reader(s)!

So as I was slammin' 7 gram rocks because that is how I roll, I unhooked the IV line from my tiger and had a brilliant thought, because my mind fires on a level that is not of this Earthly realm.  What better way to revitalize Reno's dead tourism industry, than by making Charlie Sheen the Mayor of the Biggest Little City in Northern Nevada?

The fact is, Reno always marketed itself on the party lifestyle until it stopped and got destroyed by places that did it better.  (Maybe you've heard of a little town called...I don't know...Las Vegas?)  (No, not NM, NV.)  (Yeah, that one.)  (From the Hangover, yeah.)  (No, not Christmas Vacation, Vegas Vacation!)  (Yes, like the city!!!)  ANYWAY, who knows more about partying than Mr. Sheen himself.  He shows people magic!  He Bi-Wins!  Change the name of the Atlantis to Adonis, legalize all drugs, allow prostitution in city limits (I mean LEGALIZE prostitution in city limits, since it is already ALLOWED on 4th Street), elect Charlie Sheen Mayor, and watch as visitors flock back once again for the sin Nevada pretends they hate as they quietly pocket the money it brings in.  

At the very least, hotels would fill up with bookings from E Channel employees, People Magazine "Writers", paparazzi, & TV Doctors and wanna-be shrinks trying to diagnose him from TV clips!

Economic Gold Mine until some natural disaster somewhere kicks him off the...oh shit, really?  Japan?  Oh.  

So obviously anyone who isn't a total psychopath is concerned for all the people affected by the earthquake and tsunami, but when I woke up this morning, I checked my Twitter account (yes, I am on Twitter, that is how ADD I have become), and it seemed like a race to be the first to say that your thoughts and prayers were with the people of Japan.  All I could think was, "How important do you think you are, that as the people of Japan are frantically searching for loved ones, trying to stay safe, or trying to even comprehend what the hell just happened, that they can take solace in logging into Twitter and knowing that @SOMETWITTERDOUCHE from Shitville, KS, USA is sending his thoughts & prayers?"  Also, some people have told me they thought my joke on my Facebook page (that is right, I made a joke about the Tsunami not yet reaching Reno) was insensitive to the people who died.  No, it wasn't.  It had nothing to do with the poor people who died.  And besides, I should get a pass because I started the joke with, "My thoughts are with the people affected by..."  I thought that means I am a good person.

Okay, since the title of my blog-type-thing is Reno Failure, and not Japanese fault stability failure, I guess it is time to shift the subject back to Reno.  

So last week I finally got out of town for a couple days.  I didn't make it to my beloved Seattle due to issues with the Beastess that were taken care of but not until after we attempted to go, and adding another $205.  So that sucked, but we scraped up enough money (by not paying bills) to manage a couple nights in beautiful San Francisco.  Hannah didn't wear a flower in her hair, and the drivers sure as hell weren't gentle people, but it was a fun trip.  We stayed by Ocean Beach, went and saw some Sea Lions, and just generally had fun.  There was no parking, they suck at driving, but it was 1000 times better than Reno in every other way.  Oh yeah, except I wouldn't pay that much for housing if I were a billionaire.  

As soon as we made it back to reno, my nose started bleeding again, my eyes burned with the sting of dryness and disappointment, and a single tear rolled down my cheek as I settled back into the brown, lifeless high desert I have the misfortune of calling my temporary home.  

On the plus side, I am not currently in Japan, Lybia, or..God forbid...Detroit, so there are some things to be positive about.  Also, I hate my job alot less than when I was in training, although I despise the company I work for still.  I hope to keep the job and avoid paying bills long enough to eventually get to my beloved home in the Pacific Northwest, where I will feast upon fresh salmon and berries, and show my Bear the true ways of life.  

Well my dear reader(s), I should go now, I have to tend to my relief efforts.  

Until next time, be excellent to each other and party on, dudes!