Monday, February 28, 2011

My plan for the lottery/jackpot winnings

Good evening dear reader(s)!

As many of you know, I hate my job, hate the city I live in, hate the vast majority of people in the city I live in, & am just generally filled with raw, seething hatred on the scale of some Neo-Nazi Skinhead, only my hatred is not directed at any race, religion, creed, color, sexual orientation, or other commonly hated status.  In short, I'm not an inbred racist moron.  But I do hate them too!  I guess you can say I hate better than they do!  Josh-he just hates better.  I like it.  I think I will adopt it as part of my platform.  

Actually, I don't really hate that much at all.  I just like to bitch alot.  It is freeing.  I'm like a bird, I can fly away.  Where was I going with this?  Oh yeah, I have decided I would bitch about the things I do hate alot less if they either no longer affected me, or no longer existed!  Wouldn't that be nice?  And then I could write positive, uplifting blog-type-things with pictures of hearts & butterflies.  I could teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.  Or not, since I can't really sing myself, although if the rest of the world could sing and harmonize perfectly, I'm sure it would drown out my Peter Bradyesque voice cracks.  It's a plan.  Now if only I could afford to buy the world some coke...  Wait, it's A Coke?  Oh...  Well, that would still be awfully pricey.  Which segues perfectly into my plan if I ever win the lottery or some huge jackpot!

I'm talking at least 10 million here, after taxes, lump sum.  Anything short of that may improve my quality of life, but most likely will not eliminate the effects that the things I hate have upon it.  So here it is, in complete unedited glory:  (Why start editing now?)

Million 1:  I'll tell you what I'd do man:  Two chicks at the same time.  (Quote from the greatest movie ever made, Office Space)  Seriously though, it would go to a nice house (not too big) and land inTillamook, OR.  Why there?  Go sometime.  Nuff said.  This would get me the hell out of Reno for good, which would solve 99% of my problems.  & a bitch isn't the other 1%.

Million 2, divide equally among select members of my extended family.  The ones I can stand.  Blood is much thinner than people say, particularly when on Coumadin or other anticoagulants.  

Million 3, a new fuel efficient car, perhaps a TDI & my own biodiesel set-up, a 1966 Pontiac GTO in mint-condition with tri-power (gee, wonder why), & a Dodge Challenger.

Million 4, for fuck's sake, a sweet vacation to Ireland & Scotland, a surgery not covered by my insurance, and expenses that may result.

Millions 6, 7, 8 & 9, Jesse, Desiree, my mom and my dad, provided my mom & dad will the unused portion back to me as they are short on time to spend it.  (Just kidding!!!) 

Million 10, for misc expenses and fun!

Think I should modify my plan?  I would be happy to hear your suggestions, but I just bought your house, had you evicted & now you have no internet connection to send them.  Maybe next time keep your opinions to yourself, peon!  

I am hungry so I am going to go eat now.  

Until next time my dear reader(s), I expect my baby seal tenderloins to be Medium, these are Well!  I do not pay you for your stupidity.  You have been Chopped!

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