Monday, February 28, 2011

My plan for the lottery/jackpot winnings

Good evening dear reader(s)!

As many of you know, I hate my job, hate the city I live in, hate the vast majority of people in the city I live in, & am just generally filled with raw, seething hatred on the scale of some Neo-Nazi Skinhead, only my hatred is not directed at any race, religion, creed, color, sexual orientation, or other commonly hated status.  In short, I'm not an inbred racist moron.  But I do hate them too!  I guess you can say I hate better than they do!  Josh-he just hates better.  I like it.  I think I will adopt it as part of my platform.  

Actually, I don't really hate that much at all.  I just like to bitch alot.  It is freeing.  I'm like a bird, I can fly away.  Where was I going with this?  Oh yeah, I have decided I would bitch about the things I do hate alot less if they either no longer affected me, or no longer existed!  Wouldn't that be nice?  And then I could write positive, uplifting blog-type-things with pictures of hearts & butterflies.  I could teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.  Or not, since I can't really sing myself, although if the rest of the world could sing and harmonize perfectly, I'm sure it would drown out my Peter Bradyesque voice cracks.  It's a plan.  Now if only I could afford to buy the world some coke...  Wait, it's A Coke?  Oh...  Well, that would still be awfully pricey.  Which segues perfectly into my plan if I ever win the lottery or some huge jackpot!

I'm talking at least 10 million here, after taxes, lump sum.  Anything short of that may improve my quality of life, but most likely will not eliminate the effects that the things I hate have upon it.  So here it is, in complete unedited glory:  (Why start editing now?)

Million 1:  I'll tell you what I'd do man:  Two chicks at the same time.  (Quote from the greatest movie ever made, Office Space)  Seriously though, it would go to a nice house (not too big) and land inTillamook, OR.  Why there?  Go sometime.  Nuff said.  This would get me the hell out of Reno for good, which would solve 99% of my problems.  & a bitch isn't the other 1%.

Million 2, divide equally among select members of my extended family.  The ones I can stand.  Blood is much thinner than people say, particularly when on Coumadin or other anticoagulants.  

Million 3, a new fuel efficient car, perhaps a TDI & my own biodiesel set-up, a 1966 Pontiac GTO in mint-condition with tri-power (gee, wonder why), & a Dodge Challenger.

Million 4, for fuck's sake, a sweet vacation to Ireland & Scotland, a surgery not covered by my insurance, and expenses that may result.

Millions 6, 7, 8 & 9, Jesse, Desiree, my mom and my dad, provided my mom & dad will the unused portion back to me as they are short on time to spend it.  (Just kidding!!!) 

Million 10, for misc expenses and fun!

Think I should modify my plan?  I would be happy to hear your suggestions, but I just bought your house, had you evicted & now you have no internet connection to send them.  Maybe next time keep your opinions to yourself, peon!  

I am hungry so I am going to go eat now.  

Until next time my dear reader(s), I expect my baby seal tenderloins to be Medium, these are Well!  I do not pay you for your stupidity.  You have been Chopped!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

United States Postal Something?

Good evening dear reader(s)!

As I am typing this new and improved edition of my blog-type-thing, (How is it improved you ask?  Well, after many hours of testing and analyzing data from focus groups, I have decided to eliminate any hints as to why things are improved, for starters.), I am waiting on the mailman to deliver bills and other junk to my mailbox.  You see, I don't believe he came today.  I know junkmail volume is down right now, and is really hurting their bottom line (awwww, you base a business on annoying people and now poor wittle you is losing money?) but this is the third day this week (not including the holiday) with nothing in the box at all, and quite frankly I just don't believe it.  Even if I really didn't get any mail this week, I am sure you agree that Service should probably be removed from their name.  I dare you to call and complain about anything, and see what happens.  They should be called the United States Postal Semi-Government Jobs And Therefore We Don't Give A Damn Despite Being Close To Obsolete Agency.

Seems customer service just isn't a priority in the new economy, which is strange because so few people have money to spend, you would think businesses would be falling all over themselves for my two shiny pennies.  I polished 'em up special just for them!

Another snowstorm is set to roll in tonight!  Whoo-hoo!  I can't wait because getting up and sweeping snow off my Jeep at 5:30 am then dodging idiots on my way to work is the most fun in the world.  I know if they would just add it to the Winter X-Games that I would win gold!  Shawn White ain't got nothin' on me!  (He's the snowboarder who closely resembles Carrot Top, in case you didn't know.)  Anyway, gotta get me a Dew so I can train.  It's extreme!

Work is going well, they changed my schedule to nights two weeks from now, but still haven't put it in their schedule system so I can know exactly what days I have off.  They also told us today that for our last week of training (next week) they actually want us to come in a half-hour earlier.  I don't mind because I am off super early next week, but going from starting work before dawn to ending work late at night the next week is a pretty drastic adjustment to one's sleep cycle.  And the short notice is kind-of ridiculous.  But hey, there are plenty of people to replace me if I don't like it and I should be lucky just to have a job, right?  Wait, this seems too familiar.

In related news, Reno still sucks.  I just spent a bunch of money trying to get my Jeep in good enough condition to where I could take a day trip to California or somewhere should there ever not be a blizzard warning on a day off.  Good idea right?  Well, apparently not because Lybia (who produces a whopping 2% of the world's oil supply) had to basically start a Civil War to increase the cost of gas by 50%.  Wait, 2% reduction in supply, 50% cost increase?  Something doesn't quite add up here.  Regardless, I spent a ton of money with the hopes of getting out of this frozen slab of meth if only for a quick day or two, only to be thwarted by oil speculators.  Well oilmen, if I remain trapped here much longer, I promise you, There Will Be Blood!  And I won't drink your milkshake, because that just sounds like a gay pickup line.  And I'm not sure I could swing that way.  Well, how much oil money are we talking?

In an effort to reduce my growing frustration, I have decided to start working out again.  By working out, I mean walking on the treadmill some on the days I feel like doing it before ruining the effort by gorging myself on Cheetos Puffs in Nutella.  (No, I am not high, and wasn't when I stumbled upon this culinary delight.)  My goal is to replace all the regular fat on my body with the bright orange powdery fat from the Cheetos.  I think it will be the look for Spring.

Well my dear reader(s), it has been a long, strange journey these last few paragraphs, but I want you to know that I'm so glad we made it through together.  You're here in my heart and my heart will go on.  

So until next time my dear reader(s), know that I'll never let go!  Now get the hell off my floating piece of debris, popsicle, before you drag us both down!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Could Be Worse‡Good Enough

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

So everyone knows that the economy is bad.  Everyone knows that any hope of quick recovery has been lost in recent days when the unrest in the Middle East caused oil prices to shoot up (for no reason as supply remains constant & most likely will no matter who is selling it to us).  Everyone knows there is high unemployment (some places more than others), & everyone knows that people are struggling.  

So those of us fortunate enough to have jobs should be counting our lucky stars, no matter how we are treated, no matter what we are paid, because at least we have jobs.  Right?  

Wrong.  Do you think in this "bad economy" your average corporate executive is struggling any more than when the economy was good?  Do you think large companies are less profitable?  This is an excuse, to widen the gap between the haves and have-nots, and nothing more.  Your pensions and health care were on the chopping block long before the crash of 2008.  

Right now, people are attacking unions because they see what they have fought for and won, and they are jealous.  What is wrong with negotiating a better deal?  Is it because you live in a Right-To-Work And Get Fired For No Reason Or Because You Do Not Like The Illegal Shift Holds, Discrimination, & Hostile Work Environment You Must Face On A Daily Basis And Decide To Say Something State?  Sure, it is good to have a job, but if your wages do not match the cost of living even a relatively modest lifestyle, if your employer does not provide you with the proper tools to do your job & will not let you provide your own, if they are taking advantage of the fact that jobs are few and far between, is that good enough?  Yes, if you quit, there are hundreds of people waiting to replace you, but is that reason enough to give in?  Maybe, just maybe, now is the best time to take action and make things better.  If businesses can't survive without treating their employees like dirt, maybe they deserve to fail.  Maybe we will all be fine not working at these crappy jobs that don't pay the bills anyway, just long enough to watch them fall and be replaced by someone who can do the same thing only better.  Why are people so convinced that only employees are a dime a dozen, and not the companies they work for?  There is no company too big to fail.  No company should ever be bailed out while their executives spout lines about belt-tightening and sacrifice.  No company should be bailed out while their executives parrot back Limbaugh and O'Reilly's lines regarding "personal responsibility".

Your airline can't make the promises you made to your retirees?  Guess you should have thought about that when you agreed to it.  What's that, you're going to go under?  Good, there will be another airline ready to buy your planes at bankruptcy auctions and take your place.  Your insurance company's extremely shaky investment strategies means you can't pay on policies you decided to underwrite that were also shaky?  Good, you can fail, and so can the banks that tried to insure loans they never should have made.  SOMEONE WILL ALWAYS TAKE YOUR PLACE.

I know this rant isn't my usual style, but I am so tired of people thinking that CEOs and politicians have our best interest at heart.  I live in the capitol of "It could be worse".  Yes, it could, but why not try to make it better?  

I bash Reno alot.  It isn't the weather (though I am not a fan of the extremes), it isn't the landscape, it isn't even the casinos.  What I detest about this town is that the people in it just seem to have given up on life.  Could it be worse?  Of course it could.  I am free to make fun of the leadership of this town & this state.  Does that mean it is good enough?  Hell no.

I would like to point something out to everyone following the stories in the Middle East.  These people lived under dictatorships for decades, and never faced them down.  Until recently.  Is it the internet?  Is it cable news?  What causes them to rise up now?  I have a theory.  They are facing high unemployment and a bad economy too.  They are also noticing how business and government have been working together to keep the money flowing to the top at the expense of the workers at the bottom.  Why do I believe this?  Look at Egypt.  Generally people seeking freedom do not strip power from civilian government and place it in the hands of their military.  They don't seem to care about the right to speak against their government and their policies, they are allowing the military to leave in place an "emergency law" that allows people to be arrested for no reason, without hearing.  No, these people want to make a living.  

So could it be worse?  Yes, I am lucky.  I don't live in Somalia where I have to attempt hijackings just so I can afford to eat.  I still have a roof over my head, a phone, a car, and a crappy job that almost pays for it all.  I don't even live in Detroit.  But no, it isn't good enough.  And that is why I will continue to bash Reno, and I will continue to believe that the spineless masses of America need to stand up to the fatcats that are selling them out.  

The companies we buy from, that have shipped our jobs overseas are slowly killing themselves and our country.  China can consume, and they definitely can produce, but nobody will ever consume like the US.  With all of China's people, they still don't match our buying power, it isn't part of their culture.  But if Americans can not earn money, we cannot buy their products.  And even if China earns all the money, they will not buy like we did, and profits go down.  

So let's show the greedy companies a glimpse of the future they are creating.  Let's take them down for what they did to us, and let another company take their place.  I propose a week long national strike and boycott period.  One week to tell them that despite what they think, they still can't do it without us.  They need American employees to be American consumers or they will not survive.  And if they don't, just like us, they can be replaced.

So mom, since you are the only one reading this, it is up to you.  I need you to organize a strike across the entire country, as well as a week long boycott, okay?  I'm thinking sometime in the next couple weeks because I'm really feeling burnt out and could use the time off.  

So to you my dear reader(s), let me apologize for the lack of humor (or even attempted but failed humor as is usually the case in these), but I just have to vent every once in a while until things are a little closer to my Utopian vision of the world under my leadership.  See, there was an attempted joke.  Could be worse.  That doesn't mean it is good enough.  

Until next time dear reader(s), I am serious about the National Strike.  How does April work for you, mom?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Maybe I shoulda had to use my A-K?

Good evening dear reader(s)!

2 in the mornin' got the Fatburger...okay, more like 5:45 in the evening, but who's counting?  This town sucks so bad they can't even do Fatburger right.  I used to go to the one in Lynnwood, WA (Lynnhood represent!) & I loved it!  They were fast, friendly, and the food was great.  Not too pricey for what you got either.  So when one opened up here I figured it was a good thing.  I mean, a burger every so often isn't going to kill you until after about 30 years of them, then it most likely will, but I digress.  So my Hannah and I were excited to have Fatburger.  She had good memories of the one in Vegas.  

First of all, drive-thrus should never take a half hour.  Second, meat should resemble meat & be cooked through on BOTH burgers.  E. Coli isn't fun, even if it is just for one.  Third, grease should not physically drip off of fries.  It was disgusting, & cost over $20.  2 people, one tiny undercooked burger, one overcooked fatburger, greasy fries & a couple sodas.  The stomach pains were thrown in at no charge.  

Okay, now for non-burger related topics.  

It is snowing here.  This is typical Reno late February into early March snow that follows the 60 degree January averages.  That means that there are about 5000 morons going way too slow when the roads are just wet, & another 5000 doing 90 mph when they are covered in black ice.  The good news is that this weather has inspired a new money making idea.  I am going to manufacture a synthetic legal drug & call it Black Ice.  I will sell it in the many liquor/99 cent store/smoke shops that seem to be on every corner in town until the FDA says it is too dangerous & it goes the way of Four Loko and other fine products.

Speaking of Four Loko, I am concerned that the unrest in the Middle East may spread to this country.  What does Four Loko have to do with the unrest in the Middle East you ask?  Like young people could ever be motivated and brave enough to take on a dictatorship without being pumped full of alcohol and caffiene.  Please.  

If our economy doesn't improve, & people continue to not be able to afford cheap imported electronics from China, & people continue to understand that a Vodka Rebull or Vodka Rockstar is even more effective than Four Loko, I really think the potential for widespread protests and civil disobedience exists in this country too.  Unless there is something good on TV that night.  Or a beer pong tournament.  Or karaoke.  

I need moist air.  My nose is so dry that everytime I breathe it whistles.  Not just an occasional noise, but Dixie.  The whole song.  All verses.  Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but it is way too dry.  I am having nosebleeds.  My skin is cracking, and not just because of the Lepracy.  

My Jeep almost got hit by some idiot in a white crappy car, tinted windows, 22 inch rims, super low profile tires and no snow driving skills whatsoever this morning.  Good thing thug didn't hit me, 'cause I'd a had to blast them.  And you see, now we have come full circle.  I even saw the lights of the Goodyear blimp & it read,...

"Until next time dear reader(s), Josh Wrenn's a pimp!"

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Super Sunday Edition

Good morning dear reader(s)!

Are you ready for some blogging type stuff?  Well, too bad, because that's what this is!  I'd like to welcome you to Superblog I, but I would probably be sued by the NFL for calling it that, so I won't.  Welcome instead to my little blog-type-thing's first annual Super Sunday edition!  Now that you have been sufficiently hyped, let's move onto the let-down portion of today's festivities, shall we?  Too bad.

As some of you may know, today is Superbowl Sunday, the day two teams from the NFL compete for the championship of Futbol Americano (American Football).  If you are one of the people who weren't aware of this, give up.  Really.  Stop trying to know things.  Shut off the electricity, lock the doors, & just wait for the sweet tongue-kiss of Death to take you away, ala Calgon.  

Okay, so I know at this point many of you are probably asking yourselves, "What does this have to do with Reno?"  Well mom, if you'd be patient, I will get to that.  You see, Reno, along with many Indian Reservations, and other destinations has a little thing called Legalized Gambling, (Gambling Legal Americano) that allows degenerates and degenerate tourists to wager on sporting events such as the Superbowl.  So as a service to my dear degenerate reader(s), (sorry mom), I now present to you, without editing (why start now?), my Super Picks!

Either the Steelers or the Packers will win the game by 1 point or more.  Bonus:  The team that does not win will lose, & by the same margin!  Coincidence?  I think not.  Jerry Jones will make alot of money.  The halftime show will suck.  The drive home will be even worse.  PFD (Post Football Depression) will gain recognition as a psychological disorder.  Pfizer will introduce a drug for the treatment of said disorder it will plan to advertise during next season's Superbowl & launch the next day.  There will be a next season, as the labor negotiations will involve a friendly donkey who helps both sides realize the evils of greed by taking them on an inner journey through the use of mescaline and Pepsi Max (the official softdrink of the NFL).  The US economy will not completely fall as the cheaper Chinese football product will not have a chance to gain hold while the NFL maintains it's monopoly of Futbol Americano until years later when it is sued in the World Court & has already fallen off in it's Quality Control allowing the Chinese a natural foothold in football through the use of forced labor, human rights violations, and Wal-Mart.

And now it is time for a little Reno bashing.  A recent study ranked the quality of the drinking water among the worst in the nation.  I wonder if that's why everyone here is drinking cheap Vodka instead.  I am waiting for the headline saying, "Suspected Meth-Lab Turns Out To Be Tap-Water Boiling Operation".  Then the real meth-lab operators will begin using the Bad Water Defense.  "Yes your honor, there is a simple explanation of the 800 boxes of Sudafed.  You see, we all got sinus infections from drinking the contaminated tap-water, so we got the Sudafed.  All the chemicals were just to put into the water to try and prevent contamination."  I think we should fight for legislation to waive sales taxes on Brita filters until the issues are corrected.  And home irradiation equipment.  We are, afterall, in a war on drugs.  

Well, I gotta  get going, I have to make some snacks to give me the strength to sit on my ass in front of a tv later today.  Fat & lazy doesn't happen by itself.  So until next time dear reader(s), Go ____ers!