Monday, January 17, 2011

So You've Decided to Live in Reno. Now what?

Good evening dear reader(s)!

Welcome to Reno!  Now that you've decided to take the plunge and move to our biggest little city, we here at the RSCVA have put together this little guide to assist you with aclimating to your new home!  We are so glad you are here!

Section 1:  Important Phone Numbers

The most important thing to know about moving to a new place is who you can turn to for assistance should you need it.  We have compiled a list of numbers you will most likely need to call often now that you are a Reno resident.
Crisis Call Center-1-800-273-8255
Gamblers Anonymous-1-888-424-3577
Meth Addiction Helpline-1-866-535-7922
NV Energy-775-834-4444
Reno Police Non-Emergency Dispatch-775-334-2121
Truckee Meadows Water Authroity-775-834-8080

Section 2:  Career Opportunities

Reno's bustling economy boasts an unemployment rate of over 1 tenth of 1 percent less than Las Vegas.  This means that there are plenty of great low paying jobs available by comparison!  With career choices ranging from Fast Food Worker, all the way up to Fast Food Assistant Manager and everything in between, we are sure those of you with college degrees can find work in as little as 6 to 8 months!

Section 3:  Recreation

Did you know that there is more to do in Reno besides meth?  Despite the perception of most of our residents, this is true!  Relax in one of our Detox Holding Suites, Enjoy a tasty meal at St. Vincent's, Lose your worries and paycheck in one of our many casinos, Enjoy a cocktail of your choice (& a substance not of your choosing) at West Second!  What about the kids, you ask?  Well mom, not to worry, you'll be happy to know that Reno's teen pregnancy rate is well above the National average.

Section 4:  Weather

Here in Reno we have a saying, "If you don't like the weather, just wait 10 minutes!"  Most out-of-towners think this is a funny way of saying our weather is unpredictable, but true Reno-ites know the original saying was "If you don't like the weather, just wait 10 minutes, then it will be even worse & you will be sorry you whined, pussy!"  Basically, you should know that the weather here will be too hot or too cold for whatever outdoor activity you may have planned, so you might as well go to a casino.

Section 5:  Housing

Reno offers many wonderful homes, if you came here from the Bay Area after making millions in the tech boom of the 90s.  For the rest of you, Reno has plenty of run-down houses and apartments renting at levels completely out of synch with the actual state of the housing market.  Not all are cockroach infested either!

Section 6:  Nearby Activities

If you really want to enjoy all that Reno has to offer, leave.  No seriously, Tahoe is pretty.  Sacramento, while ugly, is better than here.  But either way, get out.  While you can.  Trust us.  Go, now, before you get stuck.  Live, live for us.  Live right up to the hilt.  If you ever were my friend, if you ever had even the slightest feeling for me, leave now.

We hope this guide helped you today.  Until next time dear reader(s), don't copy quotes from movies without crediting them.  That last line was from Tombstone, not me.  I just cleverly inserted it there.

Sent from my Palm Pixi on AT&T

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Things that start with West are bad!

Good afternoon dear reader(s)!

Yesterday I got promoted!  Whoo-hoo!  Yesterday I also got demoted back to where I was about 4 hours after my promotion!  Boo!!!!  It turns out the people I work for didn't have all their ducks in a row in making sure the position was open before installing me there.  I am so glad to work for a Management Team as adept & skilled as I do.  I have nothing but 100% faith in the leadership at my company.  

In other news, I have decided that I will not set fire to the members of the Westboro Baptist Cult-er-Church.  However, if anyone reading this feels like doing so, know that I will not try to stop you.  Not that I am advocating violence, mind you, I just want it to be known that I am not NOT advocating violence against these "people".  In case you haven't heard, they plan to protest at the funeral of the 9 year old victim of the recent shooting in AZ that targeted a member of Congress.  

Okay, now for your favorite segment (well, at least mine, since nobody reads this anyway)!  This is where I bash Reno.  Should I feel bad?  I mean, it is like an adult kicking a disabled baby while it is having a seizure, but disabled seizure babies don't make stupid advertisements using tax dollars trying to promote the dying casinos and pretend we are on the shores of Tahoe.  (That would be Stateline, fyi.)  I wish that disabled seizure babies would make the Reno ads, I bet they would do a better job.  Oh, one little disclaimer here:  in 2000 I suffered from seizures.  So please don't think I am making fun of those who have had or currently have seizures, or any disability for that matter.  It should be clear that I am only making fun of babies.  You would know that if you weren't so retarded.  Okay, back to the Reno bashing.  Why would anyone put a city in a bowl, where during the winter an inversion layer forms just over the top of it, trapping all of the pollution inside?  Why?  Does the city get a kick-back on Albuterol sales?  What people decided, "Ya see that brown valley under those mountains there?  Ya know, the one with that little trickle of water that runs through it?  Where it is 100 something in the Summer and rarely breaks 30 during the Winter?"  "Let's build our city there!"  "And to really mess with people, we'll call this high desert valley the Truckee Meadows!"  

So I have decided that Reno's slogan "The Biggest Little City in the World" should be changed given the fact that this little city is dying so quickly.  With that in mind, here are my suggestions for a new slogan:

At least our casinos aren't run by them damn Injuns!
The Biggest Little Ghetto in the World
Close to Tahoe, close to hookers, but not as exciting as either!
The other Nevada city
Just like Vegas, without anything worth coming for!
Our strippers are only mildly damaged!
Meth lasts longer than coke and is cheaper too!
Please God, please just visit!  Please?

And finally (chest drumroll)...
That's sad...That's Reno!

Well dear reader(s), it has been fun, but I think the time to say goodbye has come.  Don't cry, to you I say, we'll meet again another day.  And I know we'll still be friends.  So goodbye dear reader(s), we're at the end.  And now I must bid you farewell, because according to Westboro, I'll burn in hell.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year's Resolutions

Good evening dear reader(s)!

As you may or may not have heard, it is no longer 2010 (Or Year We Made Americans Paranoid on the Chinese calendar) & so it is time once again to make a list of things we resolve to do or not do until the next meaningless calendar change.  Then we will make a new list carrying over about 90% of the things we failed at from this year.  So without further delay, I present to you Josh's Big 'Ol List O' Resolutions for 2011:

1.  Get a better job.  Something less degrading.  Maybe porn.  Although I hear only the actors in gay movies make a lot of money.  No offense to my gay friends, but I just don't think I want to be with another man.  Which leads perfectly to my next resolution...

2.  Avoid anything having to do with MMA or UFC.  Did okay at this last year, hoping to continue the trend.  Just don't find 2 men rolling around on top of each other to be that exciting.  Even if they do make more money than their straight counterparts.

3.  Start a revolution.  Not that I am particularly anti-government (most of the time), but I just think it is a good way to be remembered.  Perhaps I should buy some fatigues.  I need to get an army to fight for me, I don't really like violence when it involves me.

4.  Make enough money to have a procedure performed.  The world needs it now more than ever.  

5.  Stay healthier.  I figure the best way to go about this is by the destruction of any company that makes their employees come to work while they are sick.  You have been warned companies.

6.  Eat better.  Not necessarily healthier, just chew more & maybe get less food on my face and/or clothes.

7.  Drink better.  More expensive alcohol really is better than the cheap stuff.

8.  Work out.  If the weather is warm.  If not, continuing to work in is fine, if I am going to have to work.

9.  Go to Ireland for fuck's sake.

10.  Let each & everyone of you know how important you are to me more often.  So I figure I will come up with some meter you can access that let's you know your importance level at that given time.  (Hint:  to be more important to me, support me, give me things, or bail me out if I screw up!)

11.  Get rich.  Lots & lots of money.  I would be generous if I were rich, so if you wish this for me you could benefit too.  I am only thinking of you here.  

12.  Get more sleep.  I slept okay for the most part in 2010.  But I liked it.  Alot.  So sleeping more, that'd be cool.

13.  Do more things with my friends.  This would be easier if I had friends or money to go places with them if I did have friends, but you never know what can happen in a year, right?

14.  Realize that just because some idiot is doing 10 to 20 under the speed limit in the fast lane, that he/she is not purposely trying to make me late & screw up my life.

15.  The final resolution.  The grandaddy of them all.  The big one.  The moment you all have been waiting for as it lets you know the post will be over soon and you can go back to living your real life...
Write more blog posts for nobody to read.  

Well now, aren't you glad you have had this opportunity to peak into the window of my soul?  Do you wish you never had looked because now you are scarred for life?  Good.  Teach you to peak into my windows.  Until next time dear reader(s), Happy New Year & month & day!